When I had drinks with my ex a while back, she told me that she'd tried to move, but found that rent had gone way up since she'd gotten her current place. With moving impossible, and her need for a symbolic (and real) change after our break-up still alive, she decided to totally re-do her apartment. She basically got rid of everything and bought all new furniture and made it a totally different place.

I, on the other hand, cannot do that right now. One, I'm too busy. Two, I'm too poor. And three, my apartment would take a lot to make it totally different. The first thing it would take is the thing I can't do: repaint. I painted my pad blue (living room) and green (bedroom) when I first moved in, and it was a huge pain in the ass. The walls are textured and raised and it took days and days. And the place was empty then. Now it's very full and there is just no fucking way. So. What can I do? This weekend I spent five hours cleaning everything. It's now the same, but clean. Last night I moved my living room around. The problem is that there are basically only two real ways the room can work with what I have, and I've done them each about three times now. Without getting a smaller couch or desk, I have very few options. In fact, I'm not sure new stuff would really make a difference anyway. So I moved it around. It's fine. I might also move my bedroom back to the only other real option the room presents. And it make a difference, I guess. But it's not a clean break. It's not a new place. It doesn't feel new. I think I need new stuff. I really do.

I haven't bought new furniture in god knows how long. This sounds like I don't like my place or my stuff. I do. I'm just fucking sick of it. It's the longest I've lived in one place since high school, and I'm just about at the end of my ropes. And I do indeed think there is a factor of this "new" life that screams out for a new home, and I can't really give myself that. Yes, I have a cat now (I had a dream I gave the cat to my mom last night and it made me very sad... that's a fucking scary thought for me that I'm that attached to a cat...) and no girlfriend pictures anymore, but nothing's substantively different in my place.

But I think despite lack of money and all, I'm going to start looking for things. I really need new lighting in my place. I have a halogen, but I know nothing about lighting and I read somewhere once that it's important. I need a new couch. Couches are expensive though. I love my couch but it's old and ugly and cheap. I painted my coffee table and it looks great, but I'd like a new one of those to. A huge TV would be nice. A new easy chair. A new rug. A real desk, as opposed to the door on its side I use now. That would make a difference in the living room. The dining room is small and beyond hope. No, that's not true. I should just get rid of the table that is never used for anything but storage and poker, pull the bookcase out from behind it. Paint it. Light the room better. And maybe... I don't know. Put a reading chair/lamp in there. My bedroom. Well, I need a new bed. A bigger bed. I like my dresser that I painted black, but there are built-in shelves that really don't do much for me. I love the green of the room and the wood floors. I don't know what to do other than the bed I can't afford. The bathroom is fine, as is the kitchen.

I guess the point of all this quick and mindless fantasy is the notion that actual physical change can affect an internal one, and while I'm not totally convinced that this is true, I like to think it is. I like to think that a significant and lasting change of perspective can come from a change in your surroundings. It's what I'm banking on with my burning desire for a house with a yard. It's what I'm banking on while clicking through IKEA.com and looking at Danish couches I'd have to put together myself. And I imagine this too shall come to pass. I'll settle back and accept the nice work I've done on the place -- accept the fact that I'll always be able to look at the couch and think, "Right there is where we once... Yeah, that was nice."

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

 
 
Stay Baby I don't understand why we can't just hold on to each other's hands. This time will be the last. I fear unless I make it all so clear I need you so. Take these broken wings. And learn to fly again and learn to live so free. And when we hear the voices sing. The book of love will open up and let us in. Baby I think tonight we can take what was wrong, and make it right. I need you so. Baby it's all I know. That you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole. I need you so... speaking of which. The book of love is in my pants. Start reading, baby.
 
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