who dat? contest:

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hint: think irish
"i know!"

previous results:

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actor sir ian holm
the sweet hereafter, big night

first correct answer:

joe m. greizis

aw, hell

Today is, apparently, tooth day. I read about chuck’s dental problems. Then my co-worker Rachel just came in late really pissed because her 2 year-old has 5 cavities and she feels like a very bad mommy. She is not a very bad mommy but instead, more likely, she and her shithead ex-boyfriend’s genes combined in such a way as to give the tyke less than perfect enamel. And neither of them are even English.

My parents’ genes combined to give me pretty bad enamel as well, and as a result I had many cavities as a kid. (That, and the fact that I ate candy 24-7.) So about 5 years ago I started flossing regularly and as a result – very few if any cavities. Go figure, this flossing thing is a good idea.

So as Rachel is beating herself up, I decide to look in my calendar just for fun and, surprise: I have an appointment today at 4 to get a crown put on one of my molars. The molar is cracked and so I guess it really needs it. But even with my HMO the fucker is going to cost 500 dollars. 500 dollars which I don’t have. 500 dollars that I would seriously rather shove up my ass than give to a dentist, not because I hate dentists, per se, but because I’m a scaredy-cat wimpy girlie-man who literally almost cries every time he sits in the chair.

I already felt bad enough starting last night when bitch agent assistant gave me stupid notes and continuing when I had to come to work this morning and realized that I learned/realized nothing lasting over my vacation and I’m still as unsatisfied and soul-sick as always and yes, though I am very busy with "many fulfilling projects" I am, all things considered, bored bored bored. (And fuck you Microsoft Word for trying to correct me every time I use a word more than once in succession. Bill Gates is evil evil evil, and Windows98 is stupid stupid stupid. There.)

So I have nothing funny to say today.

Wait, I’ll try. Hold on… Lemme look around my desk and do a little observational humor. Um…Don’t you hate bottled water? I mean, how did it get bottled in the first place? No, um… What’s the deal with Post-It notes? I mean, they’re yellow and they have sticky stuff on them – how did it get there? No. Um… What’s up with shoes? Don’t they get tired? Maybe they should make shoes for shoes.

There, are you happy now? I just said the least funny thing since Cameron’s "King of the World" Oscar speech and the last episode of It’s Like, You Know…

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Hi, my name is. Hi, my name is. Hi, my name is. Larry King… speaking of which, did you know that my name is actually Lawrence? Yes sir, I was named after my grandfather Schlomo Chutzpi Ahbrohmowitz of Warsaw. See, Grandpa Schlomo’s nickname was Lawrence - don’t ask me why.

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