who dat? contest:
novelist roddy doyle
first correct answer:
that's ok, it was quite hard
Theres this survey that many
journalers seem to use to let people get to know them I dont know who wrote
it, someone very cool, Im sure. Its interesting, asking all sorts of neat
questions. For an example, you can check out ms. es answers.
Well, instead of telling you the trials of
my dental crown appointment yesterday, Ive decided to make up my own survey. (All
right, Ill tell you a bit: Im a big guy not fat, just tall and
have always needed a lot of Novocain for the area to be completely numb. Well, naturally
after 10 minutes of waiting for the area to be numbed, it wasnt. I told Sir
Hurt-A-Lot this and he says, big-ass drill in hand, "Well, lets just see if it
hurts." So he drills and it hurts. A lot. But Im a tough guy so I sweat it out.
Literally. Through that horrible burning smell like concrete on fire. Like molten bricks.
Eventually he stops and says, "Thats really hurting you, isnt it?"
"Yeffffffth," drool I. Sweating. So I get another shot and it still hurts a
little but its bearable. But now Im filled with so much Novocain that the
entire right side of my face has absolutely no feeling in it. And I have to go straight to
Twelfth Night rehearsal. So were reading and I sound so much like Kirk Douglas
eveyones laughing at me. "My sthons are pwoud of deir ohhd maan."
I have to go back in 2 weeks to "finish". Plus, no lollypop. Can you
believe that shit?)
Onward with the survey:
- Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look
retarded and be a genius?
- If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?
- If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?
- If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?
- If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?
- You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?
- Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast
- David Blaine or David Copperfield?
- You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty
underwear or no underwear?
- Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and
- Favorite cussword / phrase?
- Letterman or Leno?
- Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?
- Siegfried or Roy?
- What do you desire sexually that youre too
embarrassed to ever request?
- Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?
- Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher
- Youre depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with
humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?
- Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?
- Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?
- Mary-Kate or Ashley?
- Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because
youre scared of people, or because people are scared of you?
- What do you sing instead of "pompatus of love" in
Steve Millers "The Joker"?
- Best bets in a "death pool" (pick 3): Andy Dick,
Robert Downey Jr., Nell Carter, ex-Pogue Shane McGowan, Ronald Reagan, rock group Hanson,
Salman Rushdie, Bob Hope, John Popper, Scott Weiland, Mr. T, golfer John Daly, or that
girl from Blossom?
- Its 4pm, your husband calls from work to say
hes bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?
- Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?
- Your ass or your elbow?
- Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?
- Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?
- Lets just say youre walking home drunk very
late from a bar in Madison Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the
ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by,
searching all over the street for something, muttering about "not being able to pay
rent". Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it
at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?
And just because this shit is so funny,
heres a little piece from the recent Onion:
Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble
WASHINGTON, DC--Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger
advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform
Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble
robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional
Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble
robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed.
"Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob
Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"
The Larry King Happy
Oh, Ive seen
Larry and Ive seen rain. Ive seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
Ive seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that
Id see Larry again
speaking of rain. Have you ever sat on your stoop in
Brooklyn with your best gal Ruthie Finkelstein sharing a chocolate egg cream on a muggy
August night during a rainstorm? Then you havent lived, bub.
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