who dat? contest:

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"i know!"

previous results:

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former pyscho red's owner marge schott

first correct answer:

max plumbean

trades again

Having been away from LA for 10 days, I’ve been blissfully unaware of what’s been going on in town. So, it’s time once again to check out the rags and see what’s what:

Model Says Jagger To Send Illegitimate Son To Eton: I guess Mr. Old (talk about "I see dead people") somehow had enough mobile sperm left to impregnate some Brazilian model (read: whore) who is just having a field day telling the bafflingly interested international press any little piece of news she can come up with on baby Lucas (if you ask me, naming your kid after a Corey Haim character is not such a great idea). So now I guess the ho and the fossil want the boy to go to the famed London private academy Eton. And in just-as-interesting news: I had a Powerbar for breakfast.

Posh Spice Launches Meningitis Campaign: What do you do when the flash has left the pan… nay, the kitchen altogether? Launch a campaign! So in a preemptive pre-fame strike again post-fame obscurity, I formally announce I’m starting a campaign against gout. Stee Against Gout. SAG. Shit, it’s already being used. Um… Journalers Against Gout. No, JAG is also being used. How about Journalers against Pinworm? JAP. I like that. No, honestly, Meningitis is not a laughing matter. But Posh Spice is, so, you know, six of one…

Watch Out Harry Potter: Here Comes Murder: The old bird responsible for the wildly popular children’s book series hints that one of the characters might be killed! To quote Joe vs. the Volcano, I have no reaction to that.

Actress Kensit And Oasis Star Have Baby Boy: I guess this means no Twenty-One, Part II anytime soon. Damn. Honestly, I think this is a sweet story. And just think, when most parents eventually introduce their children to the Beatles’ music, Liam can kill two birds with one stone and simply put on an Oasis album. (One a side note: have you ever noticed how lack of proximity to a good radio market can wildly alter the listenability of certain songs? While driving through Northwest Wisconsin, "Wonderwall" came on, and boy, I was singing along like there was no tomorrow.)

Aidan Quinn will portray Paul McCartney in VH1's third original TV movie "Two of Us."': This film must take place in the Seventies, because if you needed an actor to play Paul McCartney as he looks now, there’s obviously only one choice: Angela Lansbury.

Celine Dion's New Year's Eve bash almost sold out: Oh damn! Damn! Why didn’t anyone tell me!? Oh, man! (Wait… didn’t we all recently have to sit through her tearfully telling Bawbwa Wawa she was going to take a few years off to chill with her ailing scary French hubby? Lying alien-face.)

Garofalo inks for Off Broadway play: I really like Janeane Garofalo, but her subtle transformation into like a "hot chick/real actress" is pissing me off. Did anyone see her in Matchmaker with tons of make-up and a muzzle on her comedy? Come back Janeane. Don’t listen to them! Just be bitter and funny! That’s all we want! Oh wait, the play is about "a woman desperately trying to escape a world of squelched dreams, equipped with little more than a sliver of hope and brazen caustic wit." Oh. OK then.

Disney reportedly nears deal to sell Angels, Ducks: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ho ho ho ho. Hee hee hee hee heh heh heh ha ha ha ha ha ha.


…I just talked to a woman from a BIG OL’ AGENCY who read my script today. She told me how she very much likes the script and then gave me notes for 10 minutes – some of which were fairly valuable, some of which were lame. I listened and took notes and was polite and told her about myself when she asked and then she said we should "keep in touch". Like in a Junior High School yearbook. I should have told her that "you seem cool and I hope we have classes together next year". I did get a bit cheeky when she suggested that I delete a 2 line description of a character and that young writers will often do that instead of just "showing it" (total writing handbook bullshit) and I responded (but nicely) that when Shaw writes 2 pages of stage directions describing a character down to his smell and the shape of his chin, I think it is not because he lacks the narrative ability to "show". We hung up nicely and then I did a little research and found out she’s just an assistant.

If I don’t write tomorrow I’ve gone back to Northern Minnesota to stay.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Oh where oh where can Larry’s baby be. The Lord took her away from Larry. She’s gone to heaven so Larry’s got to be good. So I see can my baby when I leave this world… speaking of which, next time you’re in Denver you have to go to Schulster’s Deli across the street from the Hymie Shabbatz Synagogue in Ridgecrest. Their marble rye is "out of this world".

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