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stop moving. stop talking.

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I don’t like inanimate objects who move and talk. My feeling is this: if you’re an inanimate object, stay that way. Don’t slide across my table or bust through my walls screaming about refreshment. Just sit there. Chill, already.

Here are my 7 least favorite inanimate objects who just refuse to play by the rules:

#7 – The Scrubbing Bubbles. These guys are really annoying. They’re all like "Woah. Check me out sucking up the pee stains from the toilet bowl. Woo-hoo!!!" They remind me of the annoying co-worker who is just a little too happy about the entire corporate experience.

#6 – The Talking Sandwich. I don’t know, but there is something about talking food that really disgusts me. And this wiseguy deems to give condiment advice; nay, to make condiment demands? Shut up, you’re a sandwich. You get no demands. You’re history in about 5 bites dude. And the worst part about this guy is the olives on toothpicks as eyes. Yuck. They make him look like a hermit crab, all looking around. Gross.

#5 – The Fruit of the Loom Guys. Oh, how these guys used to scare me. When I was little the idea of 5 actors dressed in cheesy fruit suits suddenly appearing right behind me as I got dressed used to keep me up nights. It reminded me too much of my experiences at Boy Scout Camp.

#4 – The Kool-Aid Man. What’s wrong with this guy? Seriously. First of all, this dude is a big-ass pitcher of beverages. He’s not supposed to have legs and arms, let alone a stupid smile. Secondly, he’s just way too stoked about refreshment. "Oh Yeah!!!" Alright, great, you have a tray of drinks. Relax man, take a Xanax or something. And isn’t there something vaguely cannibalistic about pimping drinks – when you’re made of the same shit? Thirdly, the whole Jim Jones connection – you can see him in his compound with a big tray of the stuff intoning, "Oh Yeah." And finally, it’s like: Dude, why did you just bust through my wall!? (Funny thing is: I took a commercial acting class with a guy who had become rich by doing commercials. His claim to fame: for years he was the one of the grapes (the black guy) in the Fruit of the Loom spots, and he was the Kool Aid Man. No shit.) But you can’t accuse the Kool-Aid man of being stagnant. Check this from the Kool-Aid website, "Using computer generation techniques, KOOL-AIDŽ Man received a significant makeover in 1994 that made him look slightly more mature. His pitcher head became a little more slender, making him a little taller and more proportionally shaped. His arms and legs became sturdier and more defined, giving him a more human look and allowing him to be more agile." Oh Yeah!!!

#3 – Slim-Jim. I’m not going to bother talking about this guy, he is so universally hated. Fucking obnoxious hunk of jerky. I’d be on-the-floor surprised if those spots inside the stomach made a single person want to buy a Slim Jim. They should kick that actor out of SAG.

#2 – Mrs. Butterworth. *shiver* Uh, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about Mrs. Butterworth, perhaps the most creepy, malevolent bottle of syrup in the world. You’re eating breakfast, right. All ready to start your day with some delicious flapjacks, and alla sudden you hear this oh so soothing but at the same time really frightening voice, and you look over to see Mrs. Butterworth, her once folded arms spread open like a cult leader demanding total capitulation, floating towards you like Lestat in Interview With A Vampire. It’s strictly Log Cabin for me, man.

#1 - The Pillsbury Dough Boy. What is it? Is it a little boy of dough? Who made him? How did he get on my table? Where did he get that scarf? And the hat? But the most baffling thing about the Dough Boy is his constant need for attention. You can’t just siddown and enjoy a meal of steak and biscuits without the little doughy fucker strolling out onto your table, taking credit for your pastry success. So you sigh and you try to ignore him, but you know what’s coming next. He just stares at you with those big vacant and slightly evil blue eyes, standing defiantly, demandingly… and you put your fork down… and you reach a finger out… (it’s what he wants... it’s what he needs...) and you poke him in the stomach. "Hee-hee!" Really, is there any worse sound on the planet?


…congrats to the Yankees for sweeping. And a big finger to the Braves for carving their ’95 rings to say "Team of the 90’s!", and then becoming huge chokemeisters in the second half of the decade. Big ups fellas!


…Egg on my face time. It seems like Larry got a lyric wrong yesterday. Should be "REVVED up like a deuce." Stupid lyric site.


…four days and still working out every morning. Just thought you should know. Oh, and I made a discovery: the morning talk shows like GMA and Today, they suck real bad.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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She hangs her head and cries in Larry’s shirt. She must be hurt very badly. Tell me what's making you sadly? Open your door, don't hide in the dark. You're lost in the dark, you can trust Larry. 'Cause you know that's how it must be. Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa... speaking of which. Last time I cried was 1949 when Jimmy McDougal called me a Hebe. I cried for days. Doesn’t that drunken Mick bastard know words can hurt?

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