left column need love in life. life not full unless have love. house of the bad girls is so close. don't want have to go there but what can left column do? what? i don't know. pretty ladies, help. help lonely left column. so pretty girls.


I apologize in advance for today’s entry, my brain is racing like Jason Priestly at 1:58am trying to get to the liquor store by 2.

Many new things are pressing on this already barely capable brain and causing the following symptoms:

eye twitch
playing the same cd over and over
leg shake
habitual gum chewing
…and I just hung up on my barber for no reason

First and foremost, suddenly for the second year in a row I have a number of trips that I want/need to do take:

Two days ago my son-of-an-alcoholic friend Charlie asked me to go to Spring Training with him in Arizona. Not only do I want him to have this trip, but I love baseball and would dig catching the Giants in camp and concentrate on baseball for a few days instead of the focal point of my life now and certainly then – the Business.

Frank and I really want to go to a film festival in March to shoot footage, network, show our short, learn about Web Distribution, etc.

Last night I got an invitation in the mail from an old friend Bill. His wedding is in fucking Feburary (thanks for the advance notice, sport-o) in fucking Chicago. Last time I saw him was at O’Hare in September for a quick drink between layovers – he could have told me then. Anyway, I wasn’t planning on going, but then our mutual friend emailed me and basically told me I HAD to go. Just HAD to. Don’t think about it, just go. Man.

Promised my mom I’d visit Berkeley for Easter.

Another wedding in June. This time in New York. Woo-hoo!

That covers the first HALF of the year. Needless to say, I don’t have the money right now for a trip to Pasadena, let alone all these above places. What’s a boy to do??? Well, there is a good chance the second trip might be funded by investors. But the rest, I don’t know. I just don’t know, kids.

Secondly, I have too much to read. I know it sounds strange but I’m behind on both New Yorkers and Hollywood Reporter (stupid daily rag grumble grumble). I’m nearly done with a book and now have a Civil War novel to cover for work. It’s trash but I have to read all 430 pages. Plus I’m behind on the New York Times and LA Times and web journals as well.

Thirdly, I’m working my butt off every night writing and getting a little tired of it.

Fourthly, I’m trying to figure out where I’m going to get the $600 bucks I need to pay for the lawyer to review the Shark’s contract for me next week.

Fifthly, I promised I wouldn’t talk too much about money here, and now I’ve done it twice and feel like a dick.

Sixthly, now I’m editorializing in my own entry and being self-referencing and I hate that.

Seventhly, like in Glass Onion by the Beatles, they refer to other songs of theirs. They Might Be Giants has done it. So did Veruca Salt. Can you name the songs? Know any others?

Eighthly, now I’m creating little games for you because I want to keep you involved because I know this entry is going quickly nowhere. Plus I’m probably whoring for email.

Ninethly, obviously ninethly isn’t even a word since it’s underlined in a squiggly red line.

Tenthly, then why is "tenthly" not squiggled!? How is tenthly a word, but ninthly isn’t?

Eleventhly, I just figured it out. Ninethly is actually a word too. Only it’s spelled "ninthly". D’oh.


And just because I know no one is still reading. I’ll end with one of them emails we all get. Of course maybe it’s fake, but I still think this one is kinda funny:

True extract from Monday's London Evening Standard

...A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Highgate, North London.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw."

Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of Finchley Road, Highgate, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down."

Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months

after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."...

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

king larry.gif (10010 bytes)

Lately I'm getting better. Wish I could stay sick with you. But there's too many egos left to bruise. Call it sin. You can call it whatever. Eating deep inside of you. Well if it were me it's all I'd ever do. Steal me now and forever. Larry'll steal something good for you. The criminal in me is no one new. Till you find something better. When there's nothing left to use. And everything starts going down on you. Larry's the generator. Firing whenever you quit. Yeah, whatever it is. You go out and it's on. Yeah can't you hear my motored heart. You're the one that started it. Send Larry out on a tether. Swing it round. I'll spin your noose. You let it down. I'll hang around with you. Till you find someone better. When there's no one left to lose. Everyone keeps going down… speaking of which. I saw that Snow Falling on Cedars today. Oy. Show me Ethan Hawke one more time and I'll spin my own noose. Feh.

home     back    index     next     howl