guest entry: left column

(Editor’s note: the left column has been begging me for weeks to do an entry so I’m finally letting it. Beware ladies: the left column is a manipulative and shameless girl-hound. Don’t be fooled. Watch for him to play to pity card and the cute card and the lonely card.)

hello ladies. left column so cute. so lonely. pity left column.

stee let left column do entry today. he say because he nice nice man but, he really just lazy today. stee so funny. such a stupid man. but nice. ok cute, but not left column cute.

hello! hi ladies! hi!!!

ladies have been sending so many nice letters to left column, making so happy and hi girls! but not so many pictures sent to left column. need look pretty girls, ok? because left column is so sad and lonely. so sad.

hi ladies! hi pretty pretty girls.

left column found dollar on street last week. so nice! pretty dollar. left column say, where do i go with dollar? i think candy. (ooooh ooooh send left column candy pretty ladies. candy and pictures. no need clothes, ok, it’s hot outside ok?) so i go to buy candy but then left column see something:

house of the bad girls.

now left column nice nice, but left do declare, there were times left column so lonely he go there. To see the bad bad girls. he go in and say: hi pretty girls! hi pretty ladies! oh, poor left column so lonely and sad. hi! hi! pretty pretty monkey-girls.

now left column have decision make. candy. sweet candy with wrapping and candy and sweetness. but then on other hand, pretty pretty girl kiss left column and give big monkey kiss.

(hi monkey!!!! hi hi pretty sweet monkey. sweet dana monkey smile pretty. love left column. hi left column dana sweet monkey! hi!)

left column love candy and love pretty pretty ladies so left column flip coin but have no coin. only dollar bill. so left column flip dollar bill…

…and dollar bill fly away in wind and land in high tree.

poor poor left column. so lonely. no house of the bad girls for left column. no candy. you love left column pretty ladies?

so left column get letters and pretty pretty ladies (no pictures though – poor left column!) love left column and ask questions for left column some because left column so smart and cute to touch monkey-girl-touch. (hi monkey! sweet pretty monkey girl monkey!!!) so some question for left column and left column answer now:

Dear Left Column,

You are so cute and nice and blue.

I have a problem. My boyfriend spends way too much time playing video games and not enough time with me. I don’t know what to do. The other night I even wore sexy underwear and danced in front of him, but he didn’t even notice. What should I do?
-Videogame Widow

dear widow,

hi lady!!! hi pretty pretty lady. boyfriend so bad. you don’t go out with him anymore, ok? he’s a bad boyfriend and beside, i heard he smells like poo. someone told me. and you know what else, left column see boyfriend at house of the bad girls the other night. left column was just walking by, you know. so have new boyfriend. maybe left column? left column nice and sweet and funny and never never never not look at you and always sweet monkey-touch you, ok?


Dear Left Column,

I think you’re sweet. You make me laugh.

My husband is a really good lover. He makes me feel like no one has made me feel before. We make love at least 3 times a day in every position. Last week we even broke the bed! Sounds great, right? Problem is, my neighbors are complaining to the landlord. We don’t want to have to move, but we just can’t keep our hands off each other. What should we do?
-Multiple in Missouri

dear multiple,

hi pretty lady!!! hey! hi! only 3 time a day? your husband broken, you need new one. your husband doesn’t love you anymore. he’s mean and dirty and has scabs and smells like poo. he’s gay too. someone told left column. it’s true. and he goes to house of the bad girls 9 times a day. left column treat you right lady. left column kiss and hug and touch and be nice to sweet monkey lady. hey ladies!

husband bad and poo-smelling. left column nice and cute give you candy. (you have candy?)

hey!!! hi pretty lady!!!

Dear Left Column,

You seem cool.

I have a problem. This guy at school has been picking on me. I don’t know exactly what to do. He’s a lot bigger than me.

dear bob,

oh, you a boy? oh… left column doesn’t know what you should do. sorry.

oh hey, do you know any pretty ladies??? left column so so lonely. (you tell girls that, ok boy???) you say, left column so so sad and lonely. (and tell them bring candy!)

say like this: hi pretty ladies!!! hey! hi! they like that.


Dear Left Column,

I’m a third year med student and I have a big test tomorrow. What is the nucleus basalis and what does it do?
-Suzanna @ Oberlin

dear suzanna,

the nucleus basalis are actually scattered clusters of cholinergic cells within the basal forebrain area. They project efferents to all areas of the cortex, hippocampus and amygdala.

hi pretty lady!!! hi. med student tired, yes. so sleepy. monkey cute doctor girl need nap with left column. left column tuck you in and make you happy monkey girl. so lonely. so so lonely.

hi! hey!

ok, so left column done with mail. fun.

left column sad. you know why? no candy and no pretty girls at all. so lonely.

oh, left column made up song. ok pretty girl monkey girl. you hear, ok?

left column love you
sweet pretty ladies
left column hug you
sweet pretty ladies
left column touch you sweet monkey nice sweet
sweet pretty ladies
left column like to meet
sweet pretty ladies
left column never go to house of the bad girls
sweet pretty ladies
unless you away on trip. then go see bad girls
sweet pretty ladies
left column say your man is dumb
sweet pretty ladies
he smells like poo and smells also like a bum
sweet pretty ladies
left column treat you monkey nice and dandy
sweet pretty ladies
bring candy
sweet pretty ladies

hi ladies! hi! you like left column song? larry stupid song. left column good song. ladies and girls all love left column.

oh. stupid stee likes to play games so left column think of fun game. it’s called the left column fun game. here’s how you play:

ladies: take clothes off because so hot today. take picture of yourself. send to left column. left column have email. hi!!!

isn’t that fun!!! funny nice game. we all play, ok?


but oh my, how sad and lonely is left column.

poor left column. poor poor left column.

remember ladies, left column love you so much. so sweet nice sweet touch monkey kiss. ladies. ok?

ok, bye for now from left column.

bye ladies! bye ladies!!!

bring candy.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

king larry.gif (10010 bytes)

Larry doesn't know what to make of any of this foolishness.

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