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I wonder about you. I wonder who you are and how you found this space. I wonder if you stumbled across it in your bored net travels at work or at home one lonely night drinking wine and listening to old Duran Duran ballads and thinking you're not loved enough. I wonder if you found me through another writer who linked to me. I wonder if you did a search for "Homies" or "Puppies" or "Robert Downey Jr." I wonder if you know me. I wonder if you searched my name, wondering what I was up to and stumbled across this page and started reading. I wonder if you judge me because of it. I wonder if you read things and wonder why I don't share these things with you and feel somehow slighted. I wonder if you read something about yourself and now hate me. I wonder if you just think it's stupid and sad. I wonder why you don't tell me you read. I wonder why you don't stop. I wonder why you read. I wonder if you think I'm funny and for some reason I do indeed bring a smile to your face or make you feel somehow like we're in this together -- like someone understands. I wonder if you just come looking for your name mentioned. I wonder if you come to see when I'm going to spill my secrets. I wonder if you think you've pieced together those secrets. I wonder if you have stopped for a minute and realized that the truth is probably a whole lot more complicated and less complicated at the same time than you think. I wonder if you feel like you know me. I wonder if you dream about me. I wonder how that makes you feel. I wonder if you've thought about meeting me. I wonder if you tracked down who I really am. I wonder what you'll do with that information. I wonder if you ride your bike after work and wonder what I'm doing and think about how your life would be great if you had the things I have or did the things I do. I wonder if you've realized that I paint my life how I want to paint my life. I wonder if you know that your life is just as interesting and full and fun as mine. I wonder if you know that I know that. I wonder if you think I do indeed think things in my life are fascinating and fun and complicated and endlessly interesting. I wonder if you know you'd be both right and wrong. I wonder why you write me email -- what you expect to get back. I wonder if you're disappointed when I don't treat you like an old friend, but rather a dear reader who I appreciate writing to me but don't share any true intimacy with. I wonder if you curse me and delete my email. I wonder if it hurts you. I wonder if you get back exactly what you want. I wonder if you want to keep me exactly how you imagine me. I wonder if you've seen my photo and have been disappointed because I wasn't the guy in your head. I wonder why you don't write. I wonder why you take and take and never give back. I wonder if you're afraid, or embarrassed. I wonder why you don't just write and say "Hi. I'm out here. This is who I am." I wonder if you sit at work or at home and read and feel like it's your own little secret, and you wouldn't want to ruin it with a less-than-satisfactory correspondence. I wonder what you want from me. I wonder what you need from me. I wonder if you want to hurt me or want to just talk to me or you want to hold me. I wonder why you think I'm special. I wonder why you think I'm extremely ordinary and egocentric and not nearly as talented as I think I am. I wonder if you're going to stop reading any day now. I wonder if you'll keep reading for as long as I write. I wonder how you'll take all this.
Oh it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl.
And with the way you look I understand
that you are not impressed.
But I heard you let that little friend of mine
take off your party dress.
I'm not going to get too sentimental
like those other sticky valentines,
'cause I don't know if you've been loving somebody.
I only know it isn't mine.
Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true.
Well I see you've got a husband now.
Did he leave your pretty fingers lying
in the wedding cake?
You used to hold him right in your hand.
I'll bet he took all he could take.
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say.
I think somebody better put out the big light,
cause I can't stand to see you this way.
Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true.
My aim is true…speaking of which. Man. I thought my aim was true also, but then one day back in '95, I got a really bad cold and couldn't take any drugs or drink, so I sobered up for a bit. Well, I went into the bathroom and… yeah, man. I don't know where I thought I had been aiming all those months. I had to move. Seriously. I think I was working on Restoration at the time so I borrowed 15,000 from Meg Ryan to cover the damages when my landlord sued. But I'll tell you, Dennis Quaid has never forgiven me for making Meg give me his green fees for the month! Poor guy. Shit! I'm charming, what can I say. Also, I wonder where my shoes are.
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