TV, or not TV

I like watching TV. I hate that I like watching TV. I think most thoughtful humans in America can dig me on this.

I flip channels, but within a very small range of stations. MTV, ESPN, The Independent Film Channel, Sundance Channel, E!, Discovery, Comedy Central, VH1, The Spice Channel (blurry)…

And you know what? The exact same thing happens every time I turn on the TV.

ME: Mmmm… write? Work on a monologue? Clean the bathroom? Water my plants? Laundry? Dishes? Fuck it, what’s on TV.

(switch to MTV)

TYRONE: "Yo yo yo. Tyrone here. Much love much love. Hanging out with my girl Ananda-

ANANDA: Wassup.

TYRONE: -and DJ Scribble.

SCRIBBLE: (scratching) "ch-ch-ch-fresh"

TYRONE: Yo, the hot young actors from American Pie are gonna stop by the studio in a minute, but first let’s check out the latest from Kay-C and Jo Jo, featuring Puff Daddy, C-Murder, and some fat chick who swears a lot.

(switch to ESPN)

ANNOUNCER: And we’re in our 39^th straight lap without a single fiery crash here at the Duluth Speedway.

(switch to Independent Film Channel)

FRENCH GUY: (subtitles) Yvonne. I love you. This is why I came back.

FRENCH WOMAN: Oh crap, Jacques. Don’t I look stylish?

FRENCH GUY: I want to make love to you. Take off your shirt.

FRENCH WOMAN: I will take off my shirt... But not yet. I have to show you my paintings first.

(switch to Sundance)

GIOVANNI RIBISI: I don’t want you to go to New York, Snooze. Fine, go to New York.

WEIRD HAIR MAN-GIRL: You just want to hold me back. Back here in Suburbia.

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Well, shit. Don’t you think I’m edgy enough for you?

WEIRD HAIR MAN-GIRL: Well, you are short and a Scientologist, so…

STEVE ZAHN: I just want to fuck and eat pizza. Ha. (pause) This worked a whole lot better on stage.

(switch to E!)

EMME: Plus-sized model Emme here. Don’t I look good in this sexy bathing-

(switch to Discovery)

HOT LADY W/ TOOLBELT: Then make sure to drill your holes at least six inches deep. Six inches is preferable for drywall. But eight is better. I find I need at least eight inches for my holes.

TOTAL NERD W/ TOOLBELT: That’s a good point. I’ll just hold the joist tight while you secure this.

HOT LADY W/ TOOLBELT: Now at this point nailing will work fine, but I prefer screwing. It makes for a tighter hold and really satisfies the design concept. Screwing is great, and again, I really wouldn’t stand for anything less than eight inches, don’t you think, Wally.

FAT CONTRACTOR: (staring at her breasts) What? Oh, yeah. Right.

(switch to Comedy Central)

ANNOUNCER: And now back to Saturday Night Live – the Dark Years. Tonight’s host, Gallagher, with musical guest Timbuk3.

(switch to VH1)

JEWEL: Thanks. That was off the new album. You know, I first came up with the chorus to that song when I was homeless, living in my van.

(blue streaks occasionally part to reveal what is either a nipple or a telelphone)

TV: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(switch to IFC)

FRENCH WOMAN: (subtitles) You know Jacques. This is killing me. It makes me feel angry and decadent. I hate you so, I shall now take my clothes off and stand in front of you in my nakedness and ennui.

FRENCH MAN: Stop! Do not get naked yet. First we must concentrate on the subplot with the mysterious old man and then drive for a long time, before we make passionate beast-love.

(switch to Sundance)

NICKY KATT: I’m pissed off cuz I was in the Gulf War.

HABIB: You throw your life away here in the back of my fake 7-11. Why? So wasteful. So stupid.

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Hey, cool it everyone.

PARKER POSEY: (whispering) Which movie is this?

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Suburbia? With a big U.

PARKER POSEY: Thanks. I get confused.

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Well, at least all your characterizations are so different and specific.

PARKER POSEY: Are you being facetious?

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Yes.

STEVE ZAHN: That’s not very cool man. You play a retard and all of a sudden you think you’re a chameleon.

GIOVANNI RIBISI: Steve. You have the range of a paper airplane.

(switch to MTV)

CARSON: And paying us an impromptu visit today: 98 Degrees.

GAY GUY: We’re ‘N Sync.

CARSON: Whatever. We have a question for the Backstreet Boyz?

GIRL OUT ON TIMES SQUARE: I love you guys. I read somewhere that T.J. loves cats. I was just wondering… if anyone else in the band loves cats as well?

ANOTHER GAY GUY: Yeah. We’re down with the kitties. Funny story-

(switch to E!)

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: Hey. Look at me. I’m little but I’m powerful funny.

CREW: Yee-haw!

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: Hey check me out. See my adorable little face? I’m always smiling because this shit is just that funny. John Henson who?

CREW: Hee hee hee.

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: You like me yet? Do you? Huh? The E! execs don’t think they made a terrible mistake, do they?

CREW: Um…

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: Guys?

CREW: Well…

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: Guys!

CREW: Yee-haw! Hell no!

NEW TALK SOUP GUY: Hee Hee Hee. Check out my cute lil’ eyebrows…

(switch to ESPN)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 23^rd annual log-rolling championship here at-

(blue streaks briefly part to reveal what is either a vagina, a jar of catsup, or Jeffrey Tambour)

TV: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(switch to Discovery)

HOT LADY W/ TOOLBELT: So next we’re going to be laying pipe. I actually really enjoy laying pipe, but not alone. I need help from people like Wally. Wally, don’t you think it takes two to lay pipe with the correct force and precision.

FAT CONTRACTOR: Oh god.

(switch to VH1)

JEWEL: You know, young girls always come up to me and say someday they want to be singers too. I tell them to follow their dreams, because when I was homeless living in my van-

(switch to Comedy Central)

BEN STEIN: I’m Ben Stein…

(switch to MTV)

CARSON: Up next, Slut Whore Implant Dance Party with DJ Scribble-

SCRIBBLE: (scratching) "ch-ch-ch-fresh"

CARSON: -and guest host Katie Holmes.

(switch to IFC)

FRENCH WOMAN: (subtitles) I will now finally take off my dress and make wild French baguette-love to you.

FRENCH MAN: Great.

FRENCH WOMAN: But first-

(switch to E!)

A.J. BENZA: In 1928, silent-film star Poopsey O’Brien had it all. Until-

(switch to VH1)

JEWEL: (singing) Everyone loves the moon and the sun. But when you’re homeless living in your van-

(click off TV)

ME: OK, laundry it is.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

I saw the movie Dick this weekend. Much like Election, it is a small clever satire that’s going to disappear faster than Joshua, Mike, and Heather did. And Michelle Williams totally won me over, little Dawson ho…Edited all weekend. Got scared hearing editor playing audio backwards. It’s freaky…So Yeltsin fired his Prime Minister again, while enjoying a reported approval rating of less than 1%...



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