FAQ

Due to the overwhelming amount of mail I’ve been receiving lately, I decided to finally answer those Frequently Asked Questions in one shot.

Why did you start this online journal? I wanted to share my wit and wisdom with the world. I really think I have a lot to contribute and if I can just help one person out there, or give someone a good laugh in the middle of their busy work day, my mission is accomplished.

Your site is gorgeous. How did you become such a wiz at web design? I learned on the job, designing sites for ESPN, Salon, and JenniCam. The graphics on the home page were designed in Photoshop 5.0 over an arduous 3-day marathon session during which I never left the computer ingesting only nicotine, caffeine, and massive quantities of crank. I hope you enjoy the way I cascade the title of the site in smaller text over the bigger title!

How did you get to be so goddamn funny? One simple equation: Uneasy Childhood + Desperate Need To Be Accepted x Alcohol = Funny.

Is this a real online journal? Because I heard that if you write anything that is not revealing and 100% true, it doesn’t count as a journal. Kiss my grits.

Why do you talk about Hollywood stuff so much. Is it because your life is empty? Yes.

What is your favorite cookie? Nutter Butters.

Having a CAS Registry ID of 7440-02-0, which element was accidentally discovered when Baron Cronstedt was trying to extract copper from an ore? Nickel.

You’re an actor. Might I have seen you in anything? As a matter of fact, yes. Keys To Tulsa (Guy Who Yells At Eric Stoltz As He Drives By), Great White Hype (Boxing Fan # 457), Days of Our Lives (Delivery Guy AKA Buck).

All actors are gay. You are so gay. That’s not a question.

Are you gay? No.

When you’re not drinking alcohol, what do you drink? Crystal Geyser, Coffee, Diet Coke.

Are you sure you’re not gay? Yes.

I was in elementary school/junior high school with you. Why were you and all your friends so mean to me? Because we were insecure children just trying to make ourselves feel better and get people to like us. Plus you were ugly, stupid, awkward, wore second-hand clothes, had headgear, and deserved a good beat-down you idiot doofus assface.

Weren’t you a Solid Gold dancer? Only for half of the 1983 season. Marilyn McCoo and I divorced in October and I was subsequently unfairly kicked off the show.

Why the hell didn’t you have a threesome with Hayley Barnes and Lainie Westburn that night in the dorm when you had the chance? I didn’t know they were serious until it was too late, OK!

What was the first car you ever owned? A red 1985 Mazda RX7. I loved that car. It was stolen.

I stole your red 1985 Mazda RX7 three years ago. Why did you park it in that neighborhood? Dude, give me back my car.

From which of the United Arab Emirates do the "Al-Qasimi" tribe hail? Ras Al-Khaimah. Duh.

Why did you dump me senior year at NYU? It wasn’t you. It was me. I’m sorry. I really honor the time we spent together, though. Let’s still be friends, OK?

Why are you so sarcastic and bitter? I find that it’s easier to pretend not to care, nay, to put things and people down in order to protect oneself from the constant raging tide of disappointment and humiliation that is life. Also, the chicks dig it.

I saw your photo. Are you a model? Yes.

Will you go out and/or have sex with me? Yes.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Larry is feeling a tad under the weather...



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