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No, it is not because I have nothing to say that I bring you the trades again. Nay, the opposite. It is because I have so much to say. I’m a fount of opinions, observations, and meaningless babblings. And goddamn if I haven’t been turning circles in my own cage lately, tracing the acreage in mulling over the trivialities of my experience of this here life. Drinking coffee and stressing in the morning, list-making and consolidating so as to best make it look as though I was actually able to take something off the list in the afternoon, compulsively listening to g love and the beastie boys while equally compulsively playing minesweeper (current score on intermediate: 69) and solitaire in the afternoon, driving over Coldwater Canyon while hating Los Angeles radio on the way to the theatre in the evening, buying Taco Bell and knowing I should go to sleep but not wanting to at night. And then telling you all about it.

Do you ever want to run screaming into a brick wall? Do you ever want to make a right at your block instead of a left and get on the freeway and just leave town? Do you ever want to kick someone in the balls in the supermarket just cuz you could?

OK good. Just checking.

Ally McBeal Lawyer Upends Posh for Charlie’s Angels: Lucy Liu gets the role as the third Angel in the upcoming film. Good. An Asian female movie actress other than that annoying Ming-Wa Whatever. I like the fact that Lucy Liu is a bit cock-eyed. There’s something sexy, and then ridiculous about her at the same time. Kind of like the Olsen Twins! (I’m telling you…)

Klugman Tells Court He Never Loved Girlfriend: Quincy’s former girlfriend is suing for financial support. He tells the court that he loves his dogs more than he ever loved her. The woman’s lawyer says, "You love your pets as companions, but not the woman you were dating for 18 years?" Jack responds, "Now you got it." I love old men. They’re so crotchety and pretty much do away with social niceties. They have the right idea.

''Richard Simmons' Dreammaker,'' will end its run on Jan. 14: This is a perfect example of stars (OK, well in Richard Simmons’ case "star" may be pushing it) trying lamely to put spin on a problem. The show earned a 0.8 rating, Tribune Entertainment is pulling it, and Richie releases a statement, "I have certainly enjoyed my time with 'Dreammaker' and being a part of enriching so many people's lives, but I have slowly come to realize that the show has placed far too many time constraints on my already hectic ... schedule." Ten dollars says at this very moment he’s curled up under the covers crying with a pint of Chubby Hubby and a box of Devil Dogs, listening to the original cast album of Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Ten bucks.

Gary Glitter Faces Jail Attack After 'Hit' Call: Rocker/Child Pornography Fan Gary Glitter is not safe in jail. A prison insider says, "Some want to attack him because of his crimes, others want to take a picture of him without his famous wig. Then there's a few who want his autograph." Three questions. 1) Why should a famous person receive special protection from prison abuse when no one else does? 2) Do they have anal rape in England? 3) Who the hell is Gary Glitter?

Police Sting Bee-Suited Rapper: A rap singer who performs in a bumblebee suit and calls himself Bum Beazy was arrested and charged with a series of robberies he allegedly undertook to raise money to record an album, police said on Tuesday. Now go find that Bee Girl from the old Blind Melon video and take her down as well. Nothing would make me happier. Nothing. Incidentally, are there absolutely no cool hooks left for rap performers, that a guy has to choose a bee? That’s getting pretty desperate. What’s next: MC Sleepy Puppy, or DJ Squeegee Guy?

'Lion King' Dazzles UK Stage Award Judges: Aside from my feelings about the Lion King itself, it really bugs me that the show has gotten so much attention. The reason is this: as the New York (for example) theatre scene is crowded with more and more shows like LK, or Stomp, or Blue Man Group, or Tap Dogs, or Thwap!, (many of which are quite good) to go along with the musicals and one-man shows, there is less and less room for straight plays. While yes, this was the year of the straight play, it still makes me nervous. Similarly, though TV is producing more shows for more stations than ever, the fact is that news magazine shows, reality programming, talk shows, and now prime time game shows take away roles for us actors and writing gigs for us writers.

Buffy, Angel pairing may mollify fans: So I guess Buffy and Angel are doing crossover episodes tonight. Hear that? That’s the sound of 90% of online journalers rushing home from work to feed their cats before hunkering down in front of the TV for the evening.

Sony Pictures Entertainment is near a deal to acquire rights to turn the Marvel Comics fixture Daredevil into a live-action feature: I have nothing really to say about this, other than I’m happy. I always thought Daredevil was the coolest superhero. He could kill people with anything. He killed a guy with a playing card. I wish I could do that.

Arena Football scores primetime deal: Have any of you ever watched Arena Football? Do any of you know anyone who watches Arena Football? I don’t know, man. But then again, there are plenty of things no one I know watch, that someone has to be watching. Like Ice Hockey, or Boy Meets World, or CBS.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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What’s that, I didn't hear you. (Shut the fuck up). Come on, a little louder. (Shut the fuck up). Everybody n together now (Shut the fuck up). What huh (Just shut the fuck up shut the fuck up). Head strong dead calm? Dead weight to dead wrong, lets get it on. Twelve rounds I'll throw down. Wu whole crown, protect land wit 4 pound. Limp Bizkit, get around like merry-go, bust a scenario. Comin through your stereo. Why risk it? Lifestyles of the prolific and gifted. 8 essential vitamins and minerals, delicious. Word on the street is they bit my thesis, knocked out they front teefeves tryin to taste mine. Actin like they heard it through the grapevine. Dope fiendin for the bassline. 2 for 5 rhyme. Pharmaceuticals, hard as nails to the cuticles. Where you find that monster she beautiful? Wu Tang and Limp Bizkit roll on the set, kick a hole in the speaker pull the plug and inject… speaking of which. Buttermilk biscuits contain 8 essential vitamins and minerals. If you go to Greenpoint, make sure you head to Shuman's Deli on 89th and Lincoln. The biscuits are superb. Tell them Larry sent you. But don't eat all the biscuits - save some for me.

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