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I swear man, lately the days have been fucking flying by. Nothing like school, where I used to watch the second hand tick down the minutes like molasses until I could… well, go to the next class and watch the clock. (I actually liked most of school – especially the girls – except for math and science. I sucked at science. And I was very mediocre at math. I remember the day I finally decided to go to acting school instead of regular college was the first day of Calculus, and midway through I got up, walked down to the admin building, and signed up for piano instead.) Now, lately, it seems like I just sit down with my coffee, turn on Howard Stern, read email, and next thing I know it’s 4:00 and I haven’t done a thing. (This all is slightly mitigated by the fact that I get paid to do what is in essence nothing.)

I’ve actually spent the last half hour trying to get through to Regis, but the fucker’s line is busy. I must get through. I have to redeem myself. (Incidentally, most people who responded, also missed the number of moons in the four planets: it goes Saturn (18), Jupiter (16), Neptune (8), Earth (1). Like me, most had Jupiter as #1. Even more incidentally, did you know Pluto has a moon? They discovered it not too long ago. Little fucker.) I’ll keep trying.

By the way, can you name any of Jupiter’s moons? I know at least two. What about Pluto’s? Again, don’t look it up, you.

The Evil Entertainment Conglomerate for which I work recent spun me and my division off onto their newly re-set-up Internet side, so we now fall under their new Web Portal (a Portal named, designed, and marketed in such a way as to fool the public into thinking it has nothing to do with said Evil Entertainment Conglomerate.) Well, the Portal itself, after a massive branding launch, was forced to totally redesign – thus costing mucho money and lots o’ red faces. (Sure, I know you know what I’m talking about, but let me at least pretend I’m keeping it on the down-low.) We had a meeting today where the whole situation was "spun" to us – but even our head guy didn’t believe his own spin and said basically "yeah, we fucked up".

(Damn, Regis is still ignoring me.)

As this place is very Gung-Ho and Freakishly Cultish, it provides me, one who cares 0.0% how we do, with many opportunities for merriment. A few days ago a woman from, I don’t know, HR or something, came around to talk to us. She was wearing her ID proudly around her neck on a long ribbon. On the ribbon was printed: I AM PART OF THE SOLUTION.

Ever since, I’ve been dying to make a ribbon that says: I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM.

(Regis. Fuck. C’mon, get off the phone.)

And let me just say this: I’m not happy being cynical and totally apathetic about the place where I spend nearly half of my time. I’m not. I’d much rather care. Seriously. I’m not proud of my ennui. I’m really not.


…(Thanks to Jackie for this.) In a story just being reported, apparently, though he did not make the Andy Dick Memorial Bust Pool, youthful R&B singer Tevin Campbell got hisself in some WHAM-ish trouble this summer:

Singer's Lewd Performance

Tevin Campbell now has something in common with George Michael beside singing.
The 22-year-old R&B star was convicted of soliciting a lewd act from an undercover male officer last July outside an elementary school in Van Nuys, Calif., according to wire reports. Campbell, who hit the charts covering Prince's "Round and Round," pleaded no contest to the charges, was fined $1,080 for the misdemeanor conviction stemming from the arrest and was ordered to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings and an AIDS-awareness class.

I’m not Don Cornelius but something tells me this boy’s career is in trouble. A successful R&B career and homosexuality just don’t tend to go hand in hand. (Unless you consider Little Richard R&B… Wop Bobba Loo Bop, A Wop Bam Boom!!! Owwwwww!)

The item came from here. Make sure to read the item about Seinfeld’s new ho.


…(Fuck yeah! I got through…)

OK, Regis you lovable bastard, lay it on me…

Put these words in order to make the name of a TV sitcom:

1 – harry
2 – and
3 – hendersons
4 – the

1,2,4,3. Harry and the Henderson. (Syndicated. A movie with Lithgow first.) CORRECT!

Put these musicians in order of their birthdates, from earliest to latest:

1 – prince
2 – bb king
3 – duke ellington
4 – gladys knight

3,2,4,1. CORRECT!

OK, this is when it usually gets real tough…

Put these events in order from earliest to latest:

1 – The Warren Commision Report
2 – Ford Pardons Nixon
3 – John Glenn Returns to Space
4 – Nelson Mandela Released From Prison

1,2,4,3. Wait, is there a catch? CORRECT!!!!!!!!!

So I’m signed up now for a drawing to then maybe get a phone call to compete in a speed round to be flown out to New York this weekend to maybe get on a show. If I win the drawing I’ll get a call between 9am and 12pm EST tomorrow (Thursday).

Send me Regis vibes, everybody.

Back at your mom’s house…

…In a couple hours I have a meeting at some Beverly Hills swanky place with that former ICM agent who read and likes my script. Don’t know what she wants. Ack.


…I actually sewed 3 buttons on clothes last night. Oddly, the sun still rose this morning.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

king larry.gif (10010 bytes)

I got a pocket full of quarters and I'm headed to the arcade. I don't have a lot of money but I'm bringing everything I made. Larry’s got a callous on his finger and my shoulder's hurting too. I'm gonna eat 'em all up just as soon as they turn blue. 'Cause Larry got Pac-Man Fever. It's driving me crazy. I got Pac-Man Fever. Larry’s going out of his mind… speaking of which. I hate packing. Every time I have to leave town I call on the intercom there and say, "Uh, Lydia. Do Larry a favor and pack a few things for me." Inevitably she says, "Why can’t you do it yourself." I always reply, "Tennis elbow." Ha. It works every time, my friends. It works every time.

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