(as told to Shelly Samuels, "moron / secretary")

Dear Idiots,

So here we go again. Another day for me in this miserable hospital room (say it with me everybody: "Bacterial Infection", good…) while you retards are at Sundance fucking my actresses and eating my food. Put down the lasagna, Schniderman. That's my fucking lasagna. You're fired. Just kidding. Heh. Shut up, Shelly. Moron.

Good.

So. I see you fuckers missed out on that Latina boxer flick "Girlfight". Great. Fantastic job. I'm so proud. I know I told you guys it was a piece of shit, but Screen Gems just paid 2.5 for it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: whatever those dicks are about to buy, offer double. I don't give a fuck if the thing only ends up getting released in Guam and we lose our shirts: They Do Not Beat Us.

The other companies are creaming because I'm not there to "jack up the prices" this year, as they say. Well fuck that. That is now your job. Your number one job. Not skiing with Parker Posey. Not doing blow with Cusack. Not getting handjobs from Gretchen Mol (well, just one… she's pretty good at it, huh?). Driving Up The Prices. Understand. Fine.

Hey, could someone bring a ham in here, please!

Quick, let's review again: "Harvey has an Ear Infection". - What? Oh right, "Bacterial Infection". Heh. Whatever.

So people. You thought I wasn't going to bring it up. The English pot movie went to… I can't say the name. F-f-f-f-f. F-f-f-f-. Fine Line. Arghhhh! Who was on that one? Jensen? Jensen, I think that was you. You're fired. I'm not kidding this time.

Oh, and Shelly, cancel Jensen's corporate card and return plane ticket pronto. Thanks, idiot.

Let's review what's left…

Love and Sex. Romance, art, laughter, fat guy from Swingers, blah blah blah. Is anyone else biting? Pay attention. Hodges, you tail the reps. Anyone comes and talks to 'em, shoot 'em. Just kidding. Try yelling a lot. Works for me. But seriously, if the Artisan shitheads get anyone near the reps, them you can shoot. Seriously. Artisan. Fuckers stole Blair Witch from me. And the year before that, Pi.

Oooooooooooooh. Pie.

Hey nurse! Nurse. Can I get a goddamn ham in here, stat! And some pie. Any cream pie will do fine!

What else. Um…

Other Voices. A couple. Break-up. Traffic. Yada yada yada. Eh… Anyone see this one? It has that Mary McCormack in it. I like her tits. Fuck it, let's buy it.

Songcatcher. The Quinn guy. That limey with the ass, McTeer. Any good? Who cares. Buy it for 500 grand. If someone else is interested, offer 10 million.

Sidebar people: isn't it great- wait, hold on-

WHO'S FACE DO I HAVE TO SIT ON TO GET A HAM AND SOME FUCKING PIE AROUND HERE!!!

-As I was saying, isn't it great that Sundance is no longer scheduling those boring low-budget movies with no big stars? Such a hassle those things. It's much better this way. Yeah, these indie films with the name actors already in it do so much better-

What, Sally… what did you say about Happy, Texas?

Get the fuck out right now!!! Ten Million looked like a good sale at the time!!! Godda-

 
 
 
  Hey. Harvey hear. Fuck.

Saly had to leev so Im writing this myself. Wher the hell was I?

OK. I was talking abut the moovies left at Sond- Sundic - Sundanse. Rite. Miramax must continyoo to positshun itself as-

Ooh. My ham's hear. Gota go.

Buy moovies. OK?

Idyots.

-Harvey W.
 
 

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

 
 
 Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup.
 They slither while they pass they slip away.
 Across the universe.
 Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind.
 Possessing and caressing me.
 Jai guru deva om.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Images of broken light which dance before me like a million
 eyes that call me on and on.
 Across the universe.
 Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box.
 They tumble blindly as they make their way
 Across the universe.
 Jai guru deva om.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Nothing's gonna change my world.
 Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing through my open views.
 Inciting and inviting me.
 Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million
 suns it calls me on and on.
 Across the universe…

…Speaking of which. Across the universe right now there is probably a guy in some Tokyo apartment, maybe his name is Suki Huki or something like that. Suki has a major talk show on a major cable station and Suki writes a major column for a major newspaper and Suki does many radio commercials for many products such as, let's just say… Baby Ching Bond Medicated Si-Tai-Bao and Suki writes books and appears on other shows and loves baseball and generally has a very well-rounded and successful life. Understand? Well Suki is a confused guy? Why? Because he's just not sure what's going on with him. There is so much going on in his head and heart. Too much to explain. And does it make him a bad person? No. You understand? No. Damn.

 
 
 
 
 
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