wherein guest writer matthew perry writes an open letter to his fellow cast-members

LOS ANGELES (AP) - "Friends" star Matthew Perry has entered a rehabilitation clinic for treatment of an undisclosed condition, the actor's spokeswoman said Monday.

Dear Friends,

Uh, hi. So yeah, I guess you heard. I'm in rehab. Again. I know, I know. I thought I had kicked the "pain pills" too. What I've learned here over the last 24-hours of intensive group therapy is that I wasn't cured at all, but rather I rode on the "high" of the new contract and then the GQ Award and then the whole Survivor competition, all of which just masked the addiction. But when that all died down, I found myself once again staying up until 5am, even on taping nights, doing lines of "pain pills" with my "assistants" out on my deck and listening over and over to Animals by Pink Floyd.

The other thing I've learned here is that I've effectively done many of the "12-Steps" during my other rehab stays, but not some of the most important ones. So we hope that if I do these last hard steps, I'll be cured of my "pain pill" addiction.

And hence this letter. I'm at the step of seeking forgiveness from those I've wronged, and aside from my "assistants," who have I spent most of my time with over the course of my addiction? You, my fellow Friends.

So I'll just launch in here…

Courtney. When I called David a "fucking no-talent dog-cop-movie-making loser," I was out of line. I mean, technically, not all of that statement is in fact incorrect, but the spirit behind it was unkind, and I'm sorry. I was projecting the shame I still held from the experience of having "Fools Rush In" and "Almost Heroes" not do so well onto David (even though that shame was released after "The Whole Nine Yards" did sixty mil!) I am also sorry for over the years referring to David as "Rosanna" fifty-seven times, "Patricia" forty-four times, and "Alexis" thirty-nine times (figures approximate.) I think you're right, the joke did get "old."

Matt. I'm sorry for the hitting. I don't know why I do it. I don't mean to make you cry or to hurt you. I think there is just a lot of anger inside me and unfortunately you have become the target for a lot of that rage, and you don't deserve it. I mean, usually. And I'm sorry. From now on you'll never have to tell the make-up department that you fell or ran into a wall ever again. I promise.

Jennifer. I'm sure you feel bad about my impending sobriety, and I don't mean to leave you alone in your addiction, but I can't do it any longer. For that I am sorry. (Please apologize to Brad for me, too.)

David. I'm very sorry things didn't work out between us. I know we were both just experimenting and ultimately decided that it just wasn't for us, but I wish that it hadn't soured our working relationship as I'm afraid it has. I had no experience with all that, and had no idea that men needed to be held afterwards as well. I was insensitive, and for that, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for trying to get you fired back in October in that letter to NBC brass. I don't think you're "…certainly the least funny and talented cast member on the show, and perhaps the entire network." That was almost completely the drugs talking.

Lisa. I can't think of shit I did to you. I mean, we haven't spoken off-camera in four years, but is that my fault or my decision? No. And I disagree that I'm a "poison" personality and need to be ignored or I'll "destroy everyone around me with my yawning neediness." That's just bullshit.

Well, that's it. Again, I'm sorry to all of you (not you, Lisa) and I hope the taping of "The One Without Chandler" this week goes well. I'll see you in a few.



ps: Please tell Manny from Craft Services, that when I told him if he ran out of Apple/Cinnamon NutraGrain bars one more time I would "kick his ass back to Mexico so fast his sombrero would spin," I misspoke. Only later did I realize that he's actually from El Salvador. I'm sorry for making such a rash generalization.

The Robert Downey Jr. Happy Song Corner


Robert feels your pain, Matthew. It's not easy to be rich and famous. It's really not.
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