left column have candy. girls, you like candy? i like hugs and candy and kisses. look, i'm pretty and blue. hi. hi. i'm lonely. candy? hello. hi pretty girls. don't look at j.p., look at me. i'm not drunk like he is. hi. hey. pretty pretty girls.

i knew it

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"Oh. My B.A.C. came back, and I'm being formally charged with drunk driving? What's that all aboot, eh?"


...Hey, I’ll tell my tale of last night’s script meeting… as a Mad Lib!

So had I had my meeting last night with the Shark. We ___past tense verb___ at Cat & Fiddle around ___time___. She arrived and I expected her to shake my ___body part___ but instead she ___past tense verb___ me. As I mentioned, she asked me to ___verb___ with her to a screening at Paramount, but I decided to keep it ___adjective___. Not that she was hitting on me, but she is ___adjective___ and ___adjective___. Who knows. Anyway, we ___past tense verb___ and talked about various movies like ___movie title___ and ____movie title___. During Dogma she actually ___past tense verb___! I haven’t done that in a movie in years. I guess it was just that ___adjective___. I drank a few ___beverages___ and smoked and she ate ___food___. Anyway, the meeting eventually got down to ___noun___ and she talked about the ___plural noun___ she suggested for the script – the direction in which she thinks I should ___verb___ it to make it more ___adjective___. Her ___plural noun___ were actually very good. Everything she said made sense, and she seemed to really get what I was going for. I was very impressed with her ___plural noun___. The only time we disagreed was when she mentioned ___actor___ for one of the roles and I almost ___past tense verb___. We realized that I’d kind of created a piece with 2 passive leads and a bunch of other people deciding their fate for them, and that we could go in the opposite direction and still retain the other ___plural noun___, just in a different capacity.

The second possible contentious part of our ___noun___ was the talk of the ___noun___ we were making with each other. We actually sort of ran out of ___noun___ during this part, so I quickly took the two ___plural nouns___ out of her ___body part___ – one for the option and one for the ___noun___. So now I have to find a ___professional person___ to look at them. Fucking entertainment lawyers cost about ___amount of money___ an hour, but I have to. I could understand most of the contract points, and I don’t think I have a huge ___noun___.

What she’s functioning as, I came to realize, is more of a company that is buying my script and trying to set it up somewhere else, than an ___noun___ trying to ___verb___ it. But again, she knows fucking everyone, everyone ___plural verb___ her, and for some reason I trust her. She’s a ___noun___, but admits it if she doesn’t know something, and moreover is not making any promises. I worry when people make me promises. She’s just promising to ___verb___ and be ___adjective___ with me. The kind of deal we’re signing also does allow for another ___noun___ to be brought on if things aren’t working. That worries me. But that’s normal. A studio buys your shit, they can do whatever they want with it. They can ___verb___ it if they want to.

With the money structure for when and if the thing gets set up with a third party financier and then production bonus if it gets made, I’m not sure I’m OK with the figures. They’re based on all sorts of shit like eventual screen credit and whether or not I become a ___profession title___ on it and what the ___noun___ is. I also have a net points, but as David ___last name___ says, "There is no net."


…I received a lot of helpful hints on yesterday’s list of annoyances. There are a lot of people who sew out there. Who knew?! Beth went above and beyond the call of duty:

Some of your prayers have already been answered. To wit:

1) I have a cool little needle-threader, very simple, no fuss, they cost about 30 cents for five of them at the drug store. Maybe I'll send you some.

2) My Samsonite umbrella collapses down to about 6 inches long and sofar it has outlasted any umbrella I've ever owned. The Totes umbrellas are pretty good, too, but the dog ate Jeremy's. Samsonite is apparently less attractive to the dog. (Who knew?)

3) Can't help you with the dog poop.

4) Preground coffee. You can learn to live with it. You cannot learn to live with a coffee grinder at five a.m., or with a significant other who has been awoken yet again by a coffee grinder at five a.m. when he would really just as soon drink the preground stuff.

5) They do make electric ones, you know.

6) Kill your cell phone. Ta da!

7) Delete Minesweeper. It is evil and it must be destroyed.

8) The Swiffer!

9) Reverse osmosis water filters. We have one. The filter has to be changed like every year or something. It rocks.

10) Uh, I don't know. That Zippo thing really sucks. Have lots of Bics as emergency backups.

11) Yeah, hangovers suck. They should do something about that.

12) Shh, the last time someone complained about that, someone else went out and invented Velcro shoes. Just keep it down.

13) See number 25, below.

14) Yeah, those cards suck. Someone should invent a remote control device that would allow you to kill one member of the magazine's editorial staff for every card that falls into the bathtub while you're trying to read. That'd learn 'em.

15) Actually, one of the tortilla manufacturers does have a really good packaging system ... Old El Paso, maybe? They're never broken, but they are sometimes stale, which totally pisses me off.

16) Teach your dog to retrieve the tennis balls. But they don't bounce the same once they're covered in drool, do they? Invent a drool-free dog!

17) and 18) I can' t help you with this one; I think you have a special CD problem. Perhaps there's medication or physical therapy that could help you.

19) Yeah, that sucks. They shouldn't make them so small, either.

20) That's part of the fun. Just relax and don't try to unwrap any CDs immediately after inhaling near a Sharpie.

21) Fling 'em across the room. Works for me.

22) Put the stuff in the dryer first, and then take a really long time arranging the other stuff in the washer and adding your laundry additives and what not. Let the washer fill before you put your clothes in. Actually, I can't help you with this one, because my dryer only has one temperature (450 degrees Fahrenheit, I believe), and my clothes are generally smoldering by the time the washer is done.

23) Oh, yeah, that sucks. Get a boyfriend who finds holiday joy in stringing out all the lights to find the broken one.

24) See number 25.

25) Someone already invented firearms. Learn them, love them, use them.


Regarding the little magazine cards. Someone once made this suggestion, which I say we all make a pact to do in the new year: Every magazine you get, shake it out, pick up the cards, and save them. Once you have a nice pile, go to your local mailbox, and drop them in. They will go to the magazine totally blank, but the postage still will have to be paid by the magazine! Eventually, they get so annoyed by all the blank cards coming in – they attach them to the magazine or stop it altogether!

Oh boy…

…Tomorrow I get to leave work early to see a special screening of Toy Story 2, complete with live stage show! Hope it’s as rousing as the Tarzan one.

Holy shit…

…Chris Tucker is getting 20 million dollars for Rush Hour 2. Any doubt the apocalypse was upon us – shit is erased.


The Golden Satellite award and NY Film Critics nominations were announced today. I’m too beat to list them. Someone remind me to do it later.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Don't call it a comeback, Larry's been here for years. Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear. Makin the tears rain down like a monsoon. Listen to the bass go boom. Explosion, overpowerin’. Over the competition, I'm towerin. Wreckin shop, when Larry drops these lyrics that'll make you call the cops. Don't you dare stare, you betta move. Don't ever compare Larry to the rest that'll all get sliced and diced. Competition's payin the price… speaking of which. Do you think that's how Jamacians tell people they'll be right with them? Yeah mon, soon. Ha!

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