When you get caught between 'N Sync and New York
City... OK, so for dinner tonight I made a real meal. Actually cooked, which is weird to begin with. I made salmon and potatoes. No biggie, I know, but for me, strange. So I eat my meal here, alone, giving M.’s cat a small piece of fish, and finish. Clean the plate. Wash the hands. Turn on the TV. Fluff the pillows. I'm ready. An hour later and I've been flipping channels between what struck me to be a very random collection of television events (which is what TV is about, I know) – leading up to one of the strangest things I think I've ever seen, on screen or off. On E! we have a documentary on Noah Wylie. Young actor. Rich family. Marries his make-up artist. But it’s E!, so it’s really weird. I don’t know how to describe E! – it’s just a fucking weird channel. Like, Red Buttons is talking about Noah Wylie. You see? On ABC, Who’s Line Is It Anyway? A very funny group of seasoned improv comedians "competing" for the chance to do one final improv with the non-improv-talented Drew Carey. And that’s their prize? Then I see one of my very best friends, Shana, on 60 Minutes in a long piece about the Cirque Du Soliel, in which she’s a trapezist. It's quite bizarre to see your friend on TV, but I'm getting more and more used to it every time I turn on the box. We have a French lesbian comedy on one of the film channels… with no nudity. And on another film channel, we get one of Henry Jaglom’s boring-ass women movies about eating or having babies or something. His stupid improv movies with a group of unattractive women and himself wearing that stupid hat of his. I don’t know why that guy is still allowed to expose film. A Limp Bizkit video on MTV. I find Limp Bizkit incredibly disconcerting because the lead singer looks just like my friend Andy who is known to be the laziest man in North America, Asia, and Australia. We’re not sure about Africa or Antarctica or the rest of the continents yet – we’re still checking. Then John Travolta is hosting an SNL re-run on Comedy Central. For reasons too numerous to mention, I find John Travolta very very creepy. Then the capper: I flip to Fox. Fox can usually be counted on to provide strange programming almost nightly. But this is strange. It’s the Blockbuster Awards, and on a stool at the lip of the stage, wearing a T-shirt and a baseball cap is an ugly middle-aged fat man singing in falsetto. I then realize: it’s Christopher Cross. Come out from hiding. Wow. But, what’s he doing on the Blockbuster Awards in 1999 singing Sailing? Hmm, well, I’ll just sit back and enjoy it. Wait… what’s the hell is that? Emerging from backstage are 5 boys with strange hair dressed in silver jumpsuits. Oh no... It’s N’Sync! Singing with Christopher Cross. OK, that’s weird enough, right? In the middle of my laughing uncontrollably, suddenly, the ‘N Sync boys start levitating. At first I think the ‘N Sync boys are going to finally reveal their true Alien faces and kill everyone in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion when I realize that they are simply rigged from above. Poor Christopher Cross. I felt really bad for him on so many levels I can’t keep track. The boys come down and butcher Sailing for a while. Then, just when I think the rough patch is over, high tide hits and the boys go flying back up – but this time they’re flying over the audience. Back and forth. Singing the whole time. Things look up when one of the moppets starts flying almost head-first into the audience, the whole time trying to look cool with his RENT microphone attached to the side of his head, but I can read terror in his face, man. It’s the same look Christopher Cross must have had when he realized he was never going to grow into his looks. At this point I'm praying there's a disgruntled stagehand manning Jack or Denny or Skip's flying controller, but no such luck. Well, the boy righted himself and the rest of the song went off without incident and I turned off the TV. I had to lie down a bit after that. Remind me never to watch TV ever again. Incidentally, who do you think was the most confused – the audience of 14 year-olds wondering, "Who the hell is that guy with ‘N Sync?". Or Christopher Cross wondering, "Who the hell is ‘N Sync?" I bet it’s a tie. This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes. Tomorrow I'm going to see a special premiere of Disney's latest cartoon epic Tarzan. I'm so excited to witness the bracing Phil Collins soundtrack and Rosie O'Donnell's no doubt hilarious take on Tarzan's gorilla pal Terk!...I hope contractors are outfitting new houses and apartments with tons of outlets. I have maybe 1/8 the number I need...getting closer and closer everyday to editing the film...watermelon is so juicy...
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