I SimHate you all... After a long hiatus, Sexy Mayor Despot Stee finally retook leadership of Bitchland. Firmly at the reigns I loaded up SimCity 3000 and was greeted with the familiar music, the eerily-soothing, creeping and fun melody designed to lull normally energetic mayors into a spending trance. And naturally it was 12:30am when I called up ol’ Bitchland on the computer. I was determined to just play for a minute while I flossed (yes, I floss, and it’s one of the best habits I’ve ever cultivated, second only to the smack). At 2am I was covered in drool from overflossing and screaming at my Sims: "I just built you a marina you ungrateful assfaces!!!" See, I think now they’re just fucking with me. These little fuckers will scream that the subway system sucks-SimAss. So, being a mayor who prides himself on listening closely to the concerns of the populace, I started construction on a new subway line that would connect my newly developed West Bitchland suburb just across the river to the bulk of the great city. Well, I guess my surveyors were drinking Boons on the job again because the angle of the bedrock made it absolutely impossible connect the tunnels – and by one square! I wasted about 3000 dollars on the failed effort, so I decided to abandon the project and give them an extra bus stop when my lovely constituents praised my entire mass transit system as "the envy of Sims everywhere!!!" "But then why did you ask me to…" And then when they crawled to me, with broken limbs and hemorrhoids and bleeding sores, crying that they needed another hospital, I immediately began work on the project… when all of a sudden they praised our SimHealth system resoundingly. Hooray! So when my dearies tugged on my mayoral cape, saying, "Please sir, we’d like more schools, sir," I held off on construction a minute. And sure enough, the same urchins waddled back to me, "Oh great mayor, our heads are just brimming with information! Thank you for the smashing schooling." I think they caught on that I had caught on because they began only asking for things they seemed to really need. But then, noting that Mayor Sexy Despot Stee was having too easy a term in office, they decided the only way to really get to me was to actually act insane. At around 1:30, (or January, 2139 to be more SimAccurate) they decided that commercial taxes were really cramping their style, at an outrageous 7 percent. (Horror!) Fine. OK. I studied the situation and figured it couldn’t hurt, and nay, might even help to stimulate growth in the commercial sector (see, you have to talk like this when you’re mayor – don’t worry, you’ll catch on). So I lowered taxes to a ridiculously low 6 percent, sat back, and waited for the statue to be erected in my honor. Instead, the shops closed up and the little bitch-ass businessmen fled Bitchland in droves, heading to Whoreville or some other town where I imagine they think they’ll find lower taxes (lower than 6, yeah right). Or then again, maybe they’re just SimFucking with me. You know what would make this game a whole lot more fun – is if as Mayor you were able to take kickbacks, give government contracts to your shady cousins, and have affairs with hot women. Then it all might be SimWorth it. This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes. Larry is out buying new glasses.
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