who dat? contest:

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"i know!"

previous results:

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scientology founder
l. ron hubbard "yee-haw!"

first correct answer:

i know. it's the hat that fooled you

a good fuck

I love to swear. And not only because I probably still get the subconscious thrill of "being bad", but because I love language and the rhythms of language, and swear words are the spice and seasonings of speech. Verbal relish.

There are so many creative ways to swear, but they all pretty much boil down to the basics:

Fuck. The King, the Queen, the Chairman of the Board, the Pit Boss, the CEO, the Pope, the Greg Brady, the Grand Poobah of swear words. Fuck is multifaceted (as pointed out by Carlin?, it can be used as almost any form of speech). Fuck is also onomatopoetic. You start off with that "ffffff" that you can just drag out like a good wind up, and then close with the penetrating hard consonant of the "kkkk". You can even drag out the "u" sound, turning it into a diphthong. Fuck, like any swear word, can pepper writing so well too, but like any spice, can be severely overused:

Take the scene outside the bowling alley in Chasing Amy. Screech-owl Joey Lauren Adams yells at Affleck about his being afraid of her past sexual history by basically yelling, "fuck" a lot. "Who I fuck and who I don’t fuck is my fucking business!!! I fucking love fucking you and you fucking don’t fucking trust me!!! Fuck!!!…". (Honestly, the writing in that scene combined with her voice almost made me walk out – it was just so hard to listen to.) Fucks, well chosen and used sparingly, can spruce up a dull fucking paragraph like a sonofabitch.

(Incidentally, there is something about hearing a partner say, "Fuck me"… That’s another good use.)

Shit. Shit is good. Shit feels good on the tongue (yeah, ha ha, you). Shit is explosive and emotionally clear. But shit is a little bit lazy, I think. Shit is limited – doesn’t have the same breadth and scope of Fuck. Shit is, well, a bit messy.

I do like using, "…and shit", though. That’s a good usage. "Look at you, all gussied up and shit." It’s a comic bullet, like a well placed rubber chicken. And shit.

Bitch. I love this word. It is also satisfying to say. And of course has many meanings:

To complain: "Damn son, I help you with your homework and you’re all bitching at me, and shit."

Good or "dope": "Hey dude, your tribal arm tattoo is bitchin’!"

To demean: "Yeah. I just stepped on your new suede Pumas! What choo gonna do about it, bitch!"

Now the word obviously has a deep sexist core, but honestly, when I use the word, and I use it a lot, it’s almost always referring to men. It’s more demeaning that way, to call a guy a bitch, even though with me it’s usually friendly, "What up, bitch?". Rarely would I use it on a woman, as in, "Hey bitch, where’s dinner?" or "Yeah. That’s right. Uh-huh. You my bitch now." or "Listen bitch, don’t make fun of me just because my clothes are all wrinkled. I know I have an audition and should probably try to look presentable but it’s for Gieco Insurance for chrissakes and I just know they’re going to make me do something stupid it’s just way too depressing – I need a smoke. Oh, and did you tape Real World for me last night? No? Aw, man. That sucks." You know, that kind of thing.

Dick/Cock. Good words. Dick is best when combined with other body parts. Go nuts! Be creative! Dickface. Dickhead. Dickshoulder. Dickspleen. See?! And of course there’s the good old fashioned, "Suck My Dick." I think it’s especially effective when women say it because then not only does it pack its own inherent punch, but usually also leaves the person confused for a minute. A nice Cocksucker every once in a while isn't bad either.

I like Cock (yeah yeah…). Cock is especially comically effective. As in this bit from an Onion list of Job Interview Hints: "Don’t sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assests – if you’ve got a nice cock, you’ve got a nice cock." See, on the floor.

Bastard. Wimpy. Awful. I cringe whenever I see a scene on TV and the woman says, "You bastard!" Oh just shut up you.

Pussy. Now pussy is a lot like bitch, except for the natural difference when you call a person one. Bitch = mean. Pussy = coward. Pussy is especially effective on men. Try it next time you want yours to take you shopping or do some chores around the house.

"Would you mow the lawn, please."
"No, I’m watching the game."
"Gimme that lawnmower."

Pussy is also good for kinky sex talk. Pretty much all of these words are. Well, not shit. Ew. Then again, if you’re Sylvester Stallone or Jeff Goldblum, then maybe…

Piss. Naw. Pissed as in angry is OK, but only English people say, "Piss off". Yeah, that sucks. Just like Bollocks. No bite. Those limeys.

Cunt. I won’t touch cunt with a 10 foot pole (I’m sorry, I can’t stop). Cunt is just such a hot-button word for women, it seems, and I don’t know exactly why. Calling someone a cunt is when you are really 100% sure you hate them with all your being and never want to ever have them look at you again.

I had a fight with a producer once who wanted me to take a lone "cunt" out of my play, and it was said to a male character. I eventually did take it out and replace it with another word, and subsequently learned an important lesson:

Twat is much funnier than cunt.

Words to live by.


…feel sorry for me because in an hour I have to drive to the dentist and have my temporary crown removed and my real crown put on. Fuck, I’m such a pussy. Piss off.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Fuck L. Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones. Fuck all those gun-toting hip gangster wannabes. Fuck retro anything. Fuck your tattoos. Fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memory. Fuck smiley glad-hands with hidden agendas. Fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses. Cuz I'm praying for rain. And I'm praying for tidal waves. I wanna see the ground give way. I wanna watch it all go down… speaking of which. One night when I was stationed outside of Louisville, some buddies and mine from the grand ol’ 445th got soused on cheap bathtub gin and… well… I don’t remember much of that night but I do know I woke up the next morning with "Jimmy" tattooed on my right buttock.

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