who dat? contest:



"i know!"


previous results:



ol' dirty bastard -
"wu-tang is for the chirren"

first correct answer:

katrina hillsten

sud-a-fucked

As my cold/flu continues to kick my ass sideways, I think I’ll simply write a short Sudafed haze-induced poem about anything that comes to mind. Are you sure you’re ready???

To be sick is really wack
My throat is sore, I hack and hack
With mucus and snot I have to take issue
But hold on, first I need a tissue
My day is dull, I wait and wait
For companies to think my script is great
Last night a producer who read the thing
Stopped by my place, my praises to sing
But does he have money, oh hell no
But today he’s pitching it to Warner Bro.
Last night I went out to a movie
The flick was called American Beauty
Of it you’ve heard a lot I’m sure
Everything is true, and maybe more
Who fucking rocks: Kevin Spacey
(Wasn’t he once on Cagney & Lacey?)
Great film, in a so-so 99
Sixth Sense, South Park, Election: all fine.
Tonight we continue to edit the short…

…alright, I just can’t continue this, it’s too painful. Rhyming. Man, how did Dr. Suess keep himself from jumping off a bridge?

I’m sweating in perfect air conditioning, and my head feels like it’s in concrete and I can’t talk very well and my temporary crown hurts and I keep coughing and no one wants to get anywhere near me and I don’t blame them. I’ve been sleeping a lot but not nearly enough. Last night after the movie I guess I was being kind of silent and M. tried to drag me into a fight in front of her visiting Mom. Pissed me off man.

And while fighting in front of your mom is one thing, it brings a bigger thing to mind: what is it with some of you and the openness with which you’re willing share your life with strangers? In Vegas just hating life, waiting for my late airplane, about half of the people were on cell phones. My hangover and quick-moving cold is making me want to die, and I’m listening to this shit:

"John. Are you there. Hello!? John. Oh, good. John. Listen, it’s me." (People who, unless they’re a wife or significant other, refer to themselves as me, piss me off. Who are you?) "Yeah. I’m stuck in the Vegas airport. I know. Sucks. Listen, I need you to do me a favor. Do you mind? Are you sure you don’t mind? OK, listen. My babies… the dogs… I need you to let them out. Yeah. OK. The key. You know my back stairs? You know the little ceramic turtle? Yeah, the one I got that time in Barbados with Phil. Was it Phil? Rick? You think I was with Rick? I honestly don’t remember. God. I haven’t thought about Rick in years. What? Oh, yeah. Anyway, the key is under the turtle. Let the babies out. Now John, listen. Bela will just do her business on her own. But Franz. Franz needs to be coaxed, you understand. You have to encourage him. To poop, John. Here’s what I usually say, ‘Poop, Franz. Poop. Do your business. Do your business." And while he’s, you know. Kind of cheer him on. ‘Yeah, good pooper. Good pooper.’ And then, ‘that was a good poop’. You got it? OK, thanks darling. I don’t know when I’ll be home. I owe you one. Bye."

What so many people seem to lack, especially in this town, is a sense of the world around them. People litter, people drive however they want, people talk loudly on cell phones, ignoring the fact that not only is it tacky to share your business openly with the world, but that people simply may not want to hear you yap yap yapping. As I write this, a woman with the most god awful cackle you have ever heard is just laughing away right near me. It must be on par with the fingernails on blackboard pitch because I think I’m about to throw something at her. My point is, and I’m sure I’ve made this point before: people are mostly oblivious to the world around them. It is never good to be overly self-conscious, but part of maturity is recognizing the effect you have on the world, and trying to, if not make life easier for others, than at least to not make life more difficult for others. On stage for instance, an actor can absolutely be locked up with watching himself all the time, and thus will never really be free or commit himself to the reality of the world he’s trying to create and struggle within. However, an actor who has no concept of anything other than his blind desire to go after "what he wants", will eventually fall off the stage, or in an intimate moment make it so he cannot be heard, or in a fight, actually deck his fellow actor in the mouth. I’ve seen it happen a million times. Actors have to find a balance between self-involvement, involvement with others, and a general awareness of the world around them and their place in it. Same thing goes for everyone. Just open your eyes a bit, people.

Meanwhile…

…in terms of opening your eyes. I’m just finishing reading a book by trash author Anne River Siddons for work. (I’m getting paid to read it and tell my bosses what I think of it.) Anyway, when I got the book I couldn’t remember if I knew of her name because she was good or bad, so I looked at her jacket photo. Eeeeeck! It’s not so much that this woman is ugly, but rather it seems that she has no clue what vibe she’s giving off by appearing in her picture, wearing huge Sally Jesse Raphael tinted glasses, a massive Dear Abby coif, 3 pounds of make-up, and holding two fluffy tabby cats up to either cheek. I mean, you have to at some point look in the mirror and just go, "OK… no."

Elsewhere…

…Latest script news:
OK. Producer Guy just called from his car after leaving the WB pitch. He pitched like 6 to 8 projects (to a certain company on the WB lot, this is) and they bit on my script – they like the pitch – and now are going to read the fucker. Another company called to say, "We like the concept and much of the writing, but it could be edgier." I know what they mean, but am not sure I agree. But hell, if they’d just say: "Here’s 300 grand, now rewrite the thing more edgy-style." I’d be like, "absolutely. Edgier. Good call." And lastly, I just received a call from yet another company. The dude wants to have lunch with me next week. OK. So that means there’s no urgency, as in: we’re scared another company will buy it before we can – but at least it means they want to talk to me, and I assume not just to say, "Hey. Hi. Siddown. The salmon is great. Oh, by the way, you suck. Bread?"

Finally…

…who told journalists that we’re interested in every single thing any of the following do: Liza Minelli, Barbra Streisand, Liz Taylor, Whitney Houston, Cher, Sophia Loren, Bette Midler, Rachel Welch? Seriously. Who told them this?

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

Well it’s 50 cups of coffee and you know it’s on. Larry moves the crowd to the break of break of dawn. Can’t rock the house without the party people. Cause when we’re getting down we are all equal… speaking of which. Have you ever tried Equal in your morning coffee? You have? Ha. Tricked you. You shouldn’t be drinking coffee any more. Not at your age, sister. Try a nice healthy glass of pineapple juice next time. Enjoy nature’s bounty, for godsake!


home     back    index     next     howl