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I saw three movies during this 5-day - Toy Story 2 kicked everyone’s butt and I’m sure it’s good but I cannot bring myself to support its parent company with my hard earned dollars but then I turn around and see Miramax films so I’m just a big hypocrite and should shut up - holiday. Working backwards, last night we saw Dogma. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Kevin Smith is a hack.

His hackdom is much less than the hackdom of other lucky-as-fuck young indie auteurs like the King of all Hacks Ed Burns, but he is still undoubtedly (4 films as evidence) a hack. (Incidentally, I was sure Wes Anderson was another hack after Bottle Rocket, but Rushmore proved me wrong like a motherfuck.) And people give Smith mad props too! Charlie Rose and shit. Anyway, the film was very mediocre. Homeboy wrote himself into a corner by the nature of his subject matter in that much of the film is explanation and exposition. And for a writer whose dialogue is naturally overwordy and awkward to begins with… zzzzzzz. I also find his immature little obsessions (street hockey, comic books, New Jersey) desperately annoying. There are some good things about the movie, but the actors, Linda Fiorentino especially, seemed a bit lost and ultimately bored. Funny thing, just at the big climax outside a New Jersey church in the film, the area of Santa Monica in which our movie theatre stood lost power, and the film cut off abruptly. We didn’t see the end, but left with a free pass to another film. So if anyone knows the end, please let me know.

The night before we saw Tumbleweeds. Dull plot. Great performances by Janet McTeer, Jay O. Sanders, and especially, I thought, the young girl. I would, however, like to put a moratorium on English actors playing Americans. It’s not fair. English actors are just plain better. So stick to your side of the pond you limies, and stop stealing our roles. We promise never to let Gwenie do another English accent. We promise. (Incidentally, the English Bad Teeth thing: goddamn if Alan Rickman doesn’t prove this stereotype true. Great actor but watching him in Dogma, I could not take my eyes off this little nubbin of a tooth he has right in front on the bottom. C’mon, make like Bowie and cap those horrific fuckers. Please.)


The first movie I saw was The World is Not Enough. As I previously stated, fine contemporary Bond flick. Pierce is obviously no Connery, but he’s cool. Pretty good villain. Great female villain (man, suddenly I’m sold on Sophie Marceau…). Good action. Great cheesy one-liners. However… not since Kate Capshaw shat all over Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom have I seen a worse female performance in a film. This performance is not even two-dimensional. I wouldn’t insult trees by calling this performance wooden.

I am of course talking about Denise "Tits And That’s It" Richards. When a female performer’s implants are more believable than her acting, something’s amiss.

And during this week of movies, I saw the preview for the new Oliver Stone football movie a bunch of times. And I have to say that the Pacino Hoo-Wah factor looks to be about a 10 in this film.

Oh, and I rented Office Space. Office Space is a mediocre comedy with some hysterical bits, and one of the funniest sequences I’ve ever seen. This is when the three work nerds take a hated fax machine into a field and with a gansta rap song "Die Motherfucka, Die" pumping, get all Goodfellas on the machine with a bat. Worth the rental price.

And finally, this weekend for some reason I got HBO on my TV. But not normal HBO – HBO in Spanish. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Boogie Nights dubbed into Spanish. Muy Titties!

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Please let Larry sleep it off.

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