who dat? contest.

none today, you know... for downey.

last game:


first correct answer:

A nameless person at this email address

this is not funny anymore

Arrested again. Man, he's in big fucking trouble now. That's it. I feel very bad about this, oddly. He just couldn't kick. But then again, fuckin' Calista Flockhart could drive anyone to hole up in a Palm Springs hotel with a bunch of coke and crank.

Hello children. Hope you all had lovely Thanksgivings. I drove my fancy cd-player-having rental car up the coast for a little stee time, which served to remind me of three things: 1) You can't recreate a particularly memorable and emotionally beneficial coastal drive a year later and expect it to be the same. 2) I'm not as much of a loner as I pretend to be as I was pretty fucking bored. 3) Damn, that's a long fucking drive. Coming back I took I-5 instead and set a new record at 5 hours. I flew, y'all. Singing along with Tool and Weezer and Prince and Pearl Jam the whole way. I stopped only for coffee and once for gas. I left early enough that I got to LA by one, took a nap, then did my $treet recap, which should be posted now (sign up for my loser mailing li$t there, bitches.) Between those two drives I spent a few relaxing days in the Bay Area seeing friends and my mom and reading a lot (I read Peter Farrelly's "The Comedy Writer" and David Gates' "Jernigan") and seeing movies. I saw Bounce and Unbreakable (see the movie thread at 3WA for my brief impressions.) I also ate and did a lot of writing (I oddly get the best writing done at my dad's old desk. I started my Austin-winning script right there just over a year ago. I'm hoping it's a good luck desk.) and saw friends and drank a few beers. Since Oakland AT&T Broadband cable has been fucked up for a while there, I couldn't watch any football, which really pissed me off. My mom is good. My dog, however, got sick and had to be rushed to the emergency room. He was still there when I left, though he's reportedly getting better. Poor fucker. I apologize for all the times I called him fat and smelly and annoying. True though they may be, he is a good dog. A friend of mine flaked on me two nights in a row, which is par for the course for him but was still pretty annoying. Some things never change, I guess. But it still bums me out.

Did you hear about ODB? Someone told me that the on-the-lam rapper showed up at a Wu-Tang concert the other night in New York, did 4 songs with them, then bailed before the cops could get wind of his appearance. Run, ODB. Run!

So remind me to tell you about my friend's experience seeing Shane McGowan with his post-Pogues band, the Popes, the other night. It's a funny fucking story but I'm not sure if anyone even cares about Shane McGowan anymore -- including Shane McGowan.

So without network TV, I ended up watching a good deal of the MTV 100 Greatest Pop Songs countdown, and found it quite entertaining. The best part of the show was the interviews with other artists talking about the various songs. I swear, Mandy Moore has to be just about the stupidest fucking person on the planet. No, seriously. I nearly fell to the floor laughing every time she weighed in on the Stones or Aretha Franklin. Puffy also cracked my shit up. He just sounds like the biggest moron, talking about how great Kurt Cobain was or how Guns 'N Roses were a bunch of "ill white boys." Puffy and Mandy Moore should do a talk show together. Oh, you know who might have been even fucking stupider than Mandy Moore? The young fat gay one from The Backstreet Boys. They'd ask how the Beatles influenced BSB and he'd say, "The Beatles were very influential rock band." To make Carson Daly look at you like you're a fucking retard takes a lot of work.

So anyway, I found a list of the 100 songs. I'll get back to this periodically, but here are the first 25...

100 TAINTED LOVE Soft Cell.
Great song. One of the best of the 80's. See, for a pop song to be great, I think it has to be the kind of thing that 20 years after it comes out, people still hear it and it makes them smile or cry or just want to shake their fucking booty all night long. Tainted Love is one of those songs that when you hear that drum and synth thing, you immediately know what it is and find yourself jumping around like Simon LeBon in 1985.

99 JUST A FRIEND Biz Markie. I love Biz Markie. I don't know if this would make my list, but it's a fun song. "Oh Baby, You..." It's also the working the title of my current screenplay, so I have to give him props for that. And in high school we wrote an election song for this immigrant transfer student Houston Ma who loved us. So we had him get up and sing, "Oh Baby Houuuuuu-ston. He's got what you need. But you say he's just a Ma. You say he's just a Ma."

98 SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY Fine Young Cannibals. Eh. Nice song. I understand that a lot of these picks are mostly because they wanted to make sure they represent a certain artist and/or a certain genre/era, and I think this is a case of the latter. Good song. Unimportant band.

97 LOVE SHACK B-52's. This should be higher, in pure pop terms. Although if Rock Lobster is higher, then this is OK.

96 PHOTOGRAPH Def Leppard. I always thought Def Leppard was fake-ass (I listened to Iron Maiden and shit) and never paid them much attention. I don't even think I know what this song is. (Shit, I just heard a good joke about the drummer... Oh yeah, what's the difference between the Def Leppard drummer and a turkey? A turkey has two drumsticks.)

95 GOOD TIMES Chic. Don't know it.

94 ALL THE SMALL THINGS Blink 182. Alright. Don't hate me, but I kind of like this song. The video is funny and I think it's the least whiny and annoying of their songs. Should it be on this list though? No. Just one of many, I suspect, instances of MTV trying not to totally alienate their viewership. But no, you won't remember this song in 20 years.

93 STAYIN' ALIVE Bee Gees. This should be much higher. Seriously.

92 YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG AC/DC. As should this. A great dance, party song. Great hook. Great guitar work. (And I don't even like AC/DC. At all.)

91 NO DIGGITY Blackstreet. Hell no.

90 THE BOY IS MINE Brandy and Monica. Also hell no. I can think of very few soul/R&B songs I can deal with, post 80's. This is not one of them.

89 CARELESS WHISPER Wham! Yes. Great slow dance song. Just the right length to get your hands down to her butt but not too long so that the teachers will see and separate you two.

88 GONE TILL NOVEMBER Wyclef Jean. I happen to think this is a very moving song, and an even more moving video. Yes, Wyclef ruins things for me sometimes when he opens his mouth and just with certain things he includes on his album, but I have no problem with this song being where it is.

87 BRASS IN POCKET The Pretenders. Never got the Pretenders. I hate her voice and thus do not know which of their unlikable songs this is.

86 DON'T YOU WANT ME Human League. Great song. I'd switch this with the Soft Cell song. However, the form of the duet was great and their voices perfect for the era and the genre of the song.

85 SURRENDER Cheap Trick. Cheap Trick eluded me. One of our best jokes from our Silence of the Lambs show we just closed was a random bit with Clarice taping over Scott Glenn's Cheap Trick, Live at Budokan tape during the autopsy scene, but other than that they mean very little to me.

84 WONDERWALL Oasis. OK. Fine. This is one of those annoying things about this list -- that you are forced to admit the infectious nature of songs by bands you just don't approve of. Fine.

83 I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS Foreigner. Sure. I like Foreigner but I don't think this is their best song. But yeah, it's OK here I guess.

82 ROCK WITH YOU Michael Jackson. Naw. Rock With You is not a very good song. Funky, but there's much much better stuff.

81 DON'T SPEAK No Doubt. I don't own their shit, but I do like the band and Gwen despite myself. She annoys me -- especially when she took part in this countdown with Carson, and her vibrato, and her obsession with her ex-boyfriend bassist, and her choice of current boyfriend (Gavin from Bush. Yuck.) -- but you have to like her. And it's a good song.

80 I NEED LOVE LL Cool J. Which LL song is this? I hope he's up higher with other stuff (Going Back To Cali and Mama Said Knock You Out.)

79 NASTY Janet Jackson. Yeah, OK. I can see the value of this song.

78 LONGVIEW Green Day. This was their first hit, right? I like Green Day. I bet that Time of Your Life is higher, huh? (I only saw 30 through 1.) Green Day kicks ass live. And they're from Berkeley.

77 LET'S STAY TOGETHER Al Green. Yes. Absolutely. Is this the first true Soul song on the countdown? Huh.

76 CREEP Radiohead. Yeah. Radiohead at their most pop-y. I used to fucking hate this song when this was all you knew of them. Same with Beck's Loser. Now I can appreciate it all over again. Great great guitar work. Perfect sentiment for the time. ('92?)

OK, that's fun. I'll do more tomorrow.

My pick for topic of the day at Three Way Action:

Have you seen Unbreakable? Think it's racist? Or just shitty.

The Anna Nicole Smith Happy Song Corner

You can't resist her. She's in your bones. She is your marrow. And your ride home. You can't avoid her. She's in the air. In between molecules. Of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Only in dreams. We see what it means. Reach out our hands. Hold onto hers. But when we wake. It's all been erased. And so it seems. Only in dreams. You walk up to her. Ask her to dance. She says "Hey, baby I just might take the chance." You say "It's a good thing that you float in the air. That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces." Only in dreams... speaking of which. Hey y'all. Y'all should see my toenails. They're a fucken mess. I may be very rich now, but I still like a good bargain, so I was walkin' in Houston and I saw this place offering twenty dollar pedicures. Well, so I made an appointment right away because after all that I've been through lately, I figured I deserved a treat. I do. I do. Anyway, so I showed up and I was a bit drunk and fell asleep in the chair. Well. When I woke up I looked down, and my toenails were bleeding! Of course I limped out of there without paying and they tried to stop me but I hit them over the head with my copy of the USA Today (I love the colorful graphs!) and went home and cried for three hours. I got a pedicurist person to come to my house to stop the bleeding, but they still hurt. Last time I fucken bargain shop, I can tell y'all that.
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