celebrity interview: the guy who stole two books of stamps from my desk last night

So some assfuck stole two books of stamps from my desk at work last night. I tracked him down and instead of yelling at him or anything, I asked him to sit down for an interview, because I'm just that desperate to finally get the Celebrity Interview section of PW off the ground.

stee: Hey, thanks for agreeing to talk to me today. I know you're probably busy, you know, with the whole stealing shit from our offices thing.

Thief: No problem.

stee: So, why did you steal two books of stamps from me last night?

Thief: You left your desk unlocked.

stee: Yeah, but. They were my stamps.

Thief: Right. I do understand the concept of theft.

stee: You don't have to be mean. So, what, do you have that much stuff to mail?

Thief: I don't know. I can sell them.

stee: The stamps? Okay. Then why didn't you steal my CD's or my stereo or my MP3 player instead? Or my computer or my speakers or my printer?

Thief: You had all that shit?

stee: Yeah. Right on my desk.

Thief: Oh. Huh. (pause) I stole stamps.

stee: Yes, I know. And I have shit to mail today, too.

Thief: Would you like to buy a stamp?

stee: No. Why did you steal my shit?

Thief: I don't know.

stee: Why?

Thief: I needed it.

stee: Why?

Thief: Because I'm ugly. Inside and out.

stee: I know.

Thief: No one loves me. I steal to fill the void.

stee: Because you're a shitty person.

Thief: Yes. I'm sad.

stee: You should be.

Thief: Hold me.

stee: No. You smell bad.

Thief: I'm mean to old people and children. I have no sense of humor, my apartment is dirty, and I haven't had sex in 23 years.

stee: Good. I'm glad.

Thief: I watch JAG and listen to Third Eye Blind.

stee: I'm sure you do.

Thief: I have stinky feet and bad skin and I'm very short and have no sense of smell.

stee: You are very short, yes.

Thief: I didn't follow my dreams, I don't like Thanksgiving, and I root for the Dodgers.

stee: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Thief: I helped contribute to Exit Wounds making 16 million dollars this past weekend.

stee: Bastard.

Thief: My mom never calls me, my toaster blew up yesterday, and my cat ran away.

stee: And so you steal my shit.

Thief: I'm a mess. I'm a miserable, sad person to go through your shit. I don't even have the good taste to steal the Chewy Sweet Tarts you had right under the stamps. That's just how fucking wack I am.

stee: You are.

Thief: Well…

stee: Yes. Well, I guess that's it. Thanks for talking with me.

Thief: Sure.

stee: Incidentally, I hope that you get caught and fired from whatever position it is that gives you access to my floor at night and you then become even more miserable and lonely and unloved than you are.

Thief: Right.

stee: I also hope JAG gets cancelled.

Thief: Fucker.

stee: You deserve it.

Thief: I do. Hey, you sure you don't want to buy a stamp?

stee: Alright, fine. I'll take three.

The Robert Downey Jr. Happy Song Corner


Goddamn you half Japanese girls, you do it to me every time. Oh the redhead said you shread the cello. And I'm jello, baby. But you won't talk won't look won't think of me. I'm the epitome of public enemy. Why you wanna go and do me like that? Come down on main street and dance with me. I'm a lot like you so please. Hello. I'm here. I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me I asked you to go to the Green Day concert. You said you never heard of them. How cool is that? So I went to your room and read your diary. "Watching grunge leg job new jack do a press table." And then my heart stopped… "Listening to cho-cho san, fall in love all over again." I'm a lot like you so please. Hello. I'm here. I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me Oh. How stupid is it? I can't talk about it. I gotta sing about it. And make a record of my heart. How stupid is it? Won't you give me a minute? Just come up to me, and say hello. How stupid is it? For all I know you want me too. And maybe you just don't know what to do. And maybe you're scared to say, "I'm falling for you." I wish I could get my head out of the sand. Cuz I think we'd make a good team. And you would keep my fingernails clean. But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize. Cuz I can't even look in your eyes. Without shakin' and I ain't fakin', I'll bring home the turkey and you'll bring home the bacon. I'm a lot like you so please. Hello. I'm here. I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me… speaking of which. Two years ago I went to a rock concert and there was a really big man in front of me and I asked him if he'd please step to the side because I'm sort of short and couldn't see that well, and also because I was on a lot of mushrooms and his hat was calling me names. Anyway, the guy didn't appreciate me telling his hat to fuck off and stop singing song about me, and as his fist connected with my head I yelled, "Why you wanna go and do me like that?" The funny part is, his hat thought I was speaking to it! Stupid hat.
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