drop dead fred

I feel sort of bad. Sort of. Kinda. You see, I have this habit of picking on my boss, Fred. Picking on one’s boss is not normally something one can do, but I can. So I do. And truth be told, he enjoys it. I tease him about his social life, his penchant for dating older women, his musical tastes, his hair, his rice cakes, his Volvo, his need for attention which rivals mine in terms of ferocity, his apartment (he lives in Glendale, bwah-ha), his stock choices, his age, his love of Del Taco, his drab clothing. But sometimes I can take it too far. I complain when he gives me hard work. I bitch when he’s wrong or changes a direction mid-task. Today, I was complaining about one thing or another and he says:

"Somehow I’ve got to like, threaten you better."

A very funny line, yes, but for some reason I detected a hint of desperation in there. A tinge of earnest desire for me to shut up. I debated pushing the issue, but instead laughed it off, as did he. But I have a history of this. Of taking a joke, a taunt, one step too far. In high school I often got kicked out of class and had to sit in the hall because whatever jovial mood the class happened to be in at the time infected me a little too much. I’m an energy sponge like that sometimes. Maybe I need some Ritalin. The dumb part of it all is this: I can dish it out, but I cannot take it. I have noticed this lately and with reticence, admitted this fact to myself. I love teasing people and pushing their buttons, but damn, can I be touchy. I have maybe 5 or so hot button issues which someone mentioning, even in jest, will throw me instantly into a deep foul funk. I guarantee you I’m not about to list them here, but I’m sure most of them come from my childhood and life-long insecurities that were, as per usual, assigned to lucky ol’ me back then. Probably by an equally insecure 8 year-old just trying to get people to like him.

But I can never be Ellen. Not only am I not a lesbian, though I share many of the same behavior, but my humor as it were is often based on satire. Holding perhaps normal things up at a slightly askew angle than that at which it is usually viewed. My comedy group, for instance, is based on taking one film, and watching it extremely closely and deconstructing it, revealing its hidden inaccuracies and inanities. Not only in the movie itself, but in the dialogue, the relationships, the performances, even the camera angles. I mean, we end up watching movies like Less Than Zero, Fatal Attraction, and Poltergeist over and over so many times that in many cases we’ve probably watched the flick closer than anyone not directly involved in editing the thing. Except perhaps for someone with an obsessive stalking relationship with Andrew McCarthy, Anne Archer, or Craig T. Nelson. Do you think Craig T. Nelson has ever had a stalker? Or Anne Archer for that matter. She is a Scientologist though, and with them, anything’s possible.

So in the meantime, I’ll continue to harass poor Fred. Giving him what he needs, and at the same time giving myself what I need.

Destructive relationships are great, aren’t they.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Barry Bonds is almost ready to come off the DL for the Giants. Watch out folks...Speaking of my Comedy Group. Did I mention that Sylvester Stallone's company optioned us for TV development? Nothing has come of it. Yo!... what's up with Melanie Griffith's lips?...