one-eyed jacks

Last night we had boys night poker/goodbye Robb/don’t-let-LA-hit-you-in-the-ass-on-your-way-back-to-Indiana night. A few moments from the evening.

6:45 – Get back from biking. Continue working out. Winston calls. "I have to work." Problem with this excuse: Winston works at home and makes his own hours. Regardless, no big surprise. Winston cancels every time, and then wonders why we don’t invite him anymore. Go back to lifting and watching The Daily Show. Still mad at Jon Stewart and I don’t like his gray hair.

7:15 – Steve arrives. I’m eating pizza and watching Baseball Tonight. Steve brags about how fun his job is testing videogames for DreamWorks. "I know Steve." We talk about how Bill Gates has 90 Billion dollars. I ask Steve if he’d let someone cut off his legs for 90 billion. We make imaginary Pro/Con list. Con: No more legs. Pro: Can buy new legs. Con: Will never play for the Knicks. Pro: Can buy Knicks, play on Knicks. This goes on for a while.

7:25 – Robb shows up directly from his 9th haircut/dye session in the past 4 months. No kidding, the boy is obsessed. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he now looks like Corky from Waiting For Guffman. Brian arrives with a 40. Stole my M.O. We all call him a Jew. (None of us have a bigoted bone in our body - we just like calling Brian a Jew.) Robb spills water on my rug, then continues sitting there. I casually tell him the paper towels are in the kitchen. Two minutes later he returns with paper towels. The water has soaked into the rug. We guess how long before Andy shows up.

7:55 – Andy shows up. Start playing. Steve and Robb open a bottle of Glenlivet. I drink Bud. Andy drinks Bud Lite. Brian, 40 of Bud Lite. I put on the new Ben Folds Five. Robb asks, "What is this pussy music?" Me: "It’s not pussy music." Robb: "Whatever. Pussy." Me: "Go move to Indiana."

8:30 – I’ve been winning and Robb hasn’t won a hand yet. Robb finally wins a hand. I put on the new Limp Bizkit album. Show everyone the photos of the lead singer. "See, he looks just like Andy." "Yeah," says Steve, "But with motivation and talent." Andy lights a cigarette. I ask Steve if he’d have his balls removed for 90 Billion dollars. He thinks about it.

9:15 – Robb takes out cigars a friend bought in Hungary at a duty-free shop. After five minutes of "doody" jokes, Robb throws the cigars out, coughing. M. calls. This is always bad. Everyone starts making kissing noises. I get faux "embarrassed" – which covers actual embarrassment.

10:30 – I ask Steve if he’d let himself be anally raped for 90 Billion dollars. He says yes, that he could then hire someone to hunt down and kill whoever anally raped him. Good point.

11:15 – Things are a bit fuzzy at this point due to the constant stream of Buds. I must stop drinking on poker night. I think I won. I know everyone left. I cleaned up ashes and stray nickels. Hugged Robb goodbye.

He will be missed.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Larry King is still in rehab.