An ape man, a Perfect Storm, and a pizza place.

Tarzan. King of the Jungle. Tarzan. Oft-filmed Ape Man. Tarzan. Nimble vine-swinger.

Tarzan. Disney corporate shill.

I don’t know man. I went into this screening expecting nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like Disney. I just don’t. And it’s not that I’m cynical about childhood or cute things or cartoons or anything of the sort. I’m cynical about Synergy. I’m cynical about corporate monoliths. I’m cynical about an entertainment company that has yet to learn how to blend interesting and original characters into their cookie-cutter cartoons.

So the screening was held at the El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Blvd. M. lives nearby so I parked at her house and walked to the theatre. One needs only to walk on Hollywood Blvd. for a few blocks to realize what an absolute horror it is. Pimps and hookers and insane people. Liquor stores. And not in a charming Times Square kind of way either. The most unbelievable number of little stores run by Asian people selling "Hollywood, USA" t-shirts and photos of Leonardo DiCaprio. 4 t-shirts for 5 dollars! And amidst this all are dazed-looking Swedes and Germans and Chinese walking around with cameras and backpacks. You can read the shock and disappointment on their faces. The disbelief. "This is what we traveled 7,000 miles for, Greta?" "Yes Svaan. Apparently that crafty American tourism board did a number on us." I almost felt bad for them, but I really don’t like Germans.

We sat in the balcony – me and my co-workers who are luckily as cynical about Disney as I am. After the Mighty Wurletzer is done playing a medley of Disney tunes, the live show starts. Apparently before the movie, we’re set to be treated to a song and dance montage. Justifies the higher ticket price (important note: I did not pay a dime).

The "cast" was about 15 sad-looking C-rate musical theatre types who inexplicably live in Los Angeles where there is no work for them. All the men looked gay. All the women looked like they were on meth. A couple of them sang fairly well, but the dancing was hideous. During the Mulan section, these 5 dancers did a wretched STOMP piece with them Chinese fighting sticks. I was particularly taken with the freakish costumes some of the dancers had to wear. The Genie and Hades were particularly awkward so while everyone else was running around and leaping, they could barely sway from side to side. I became transfixed with this overweight blonde who had this evil yet hopeful smile plastered on her face. I could imagine that same smile on her face 7 years earlier as she sat on her homecoming float as runner-up, waving to the Boise crowd and imagining violent ways to knock off the winner, Traci Sherman.

After a confetti shower, the "show" ended and the movie began. Well, after the commercials for upcoming Disney films, the movie began.

And since this is a children’s flick, I’ll put it in a rhyme. You know…for the kids.

Minnie Driver I like
Though supposedly a bitch
Her voice is quite lovely, inviting and rich

Glenn Close’s voice is warm
With her I wasn’t bored
Though that would be hard cuz she "won’t be ignored!!!"

The monkeys were cute
And some action exciting
The swinging and jumping was all quite delighting

But then came a man
Ape-like with big chin
Appropriately voiced, by Tony Goldwyn

Minnie Driver, he attracts
His ape family: a schism
Goldwyn’s career? Can you say nepotism?

I don’t like that Rosie
Her voice was the worst
How could a monkey come from Bensonhurst?

The plot you can guess
Bad guys, fart jokes twice
At least there were no songs by Tim Rice

The worst of it all
The part I liked nil
The annoying-ass soundtrack by Mr. Collins, Phil

But the kids all will flock
They’ll find it quite nifty
Gross: I guess One Hundred, maybe One-Fifty

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Made shrimp in beer tonight. Pretty damn good...I just found out that John got cast as one of the leads in the new Wolfgang Petersen/George Clooney film, A Perfect Storm. This bodes well for all...had to give the cat back to the lady today. Kinda lonely...Today I finally finished reading The Sportswriter, which plagued me for 2 months. Started the new Bret Easton Ellis. A guilty pleasure for sure...M. just got cast in Gary Marshall's young playwrights festival, in a show with one of the "guys" from Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place. I hope it's not the really annoying one. You know, that guy...