damn, i was dope

In Junior High School I skulked about the halls, lusting after girls (unfocused pining, is probably more accurate), doing pretty well in school (but always at the last minute), and doing an assortment of vaguely stupid activities. Then, I had no idea but looking back now I realize: I was ahead of my time.

Recently I’ve come to realize that many of the things I was into back then, have come back big time. Shit, I was dope and I didn't even know it!

Wrestling: I loved wrestling. I used to watch religiously: Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and my favorite George "The Animal" Steele. The Animal stomped around with a green tongue, a retarded monkey face, and a bald head, and when aggravated or excited, he would eat the turnbuckles. Oddly enough there was in fact a similarly mentally retarded guy who I used to compete against in another newly hot event…

Bowling: I was on a bowling team in Jr. High, sponsored by Pepsi. I even had my own ball. My average was something I couldn’t even dream of getting now – around 200. I was pretty damn good. And no fooling, my nemesis was a retarded guy named Alex. I hated that guy. Always drooling on the lane while racking up strikes. Yelling at me. Well now bowling, especially psychedelic night bowling (with black lights and pumping music) is hot again.

Skateboarding: I used to live on my skateboard – after a childhood of living on my bike. I was never very good but I gamely rolled around town, failing miserably at the cool tricks. The funniest thing that ever happened to me while skateboarding: we were "butt-boarding" down this steep mile-long stretch in the Berkeley Hills. I had picked up a lot of speed and going over a flaw in the sidewalk, I bailed. My board rolled out into the street and under a bus. The bus ran over the tail of the board, the board flipped up, and landed upside-down on top of the bus. The bus then drove away and I never saw the board again.

Graffiti: Yeah, I was one of those annoying white kids who ran around with an older, darker crowd "tagging" on everything in sight. I would constantly steal markers from art stores – and I could get away with it because I was, well, white and so the store-owners rarely paid much attention to me. I was never very good at tagging though – my tag was "Spectre" and then "Kode", both of which were, to use the language of the time, pretty "toy" and "wack". My shit deserved to get crossed-out, which it did often. I stopped tagging when I received a menacing phone call one day from a local legend named Ceepay, or "Kombat". Kombat thought I was crossing out his homie, and told me he’d kick my ass if I continued. So I hung up my markers for good. Good thing, because even at the time I had a sneaking suspicion that I looked pretty ridiculous. Sad thing is: the ladies didn’t even much dig the rebellious image I was fronting.

Or maybe they were and I was just too busy watching wrestling and bowling to notice.

And finally…

Masturbating: I mean, who knew it would come back so strong?

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

There's a new daily late-night MTV soap called Undressed. It's poorly written and the acting is horrible and it's just generally bad and lurid and I'm afraid if I start watching I'll never stop...Corona with lime. Mmmmmm...The Giants and A's both made deals recently that suggest instead of folding, they're gunning for post-season this year. This is a good thing...Do city recycling pick-up programs ever actually pick up anything? Because I know homeless folk grab my cans and bottles every morning. Why don't we just cancel the programs and let them take care of it...



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