an open letter to all other drivers

Dear all other drivers,

You suck. You suck so much. You’re mean and dumb. Unaware of the world around you you go, tra la la, fucking up my day.

Here’s a partial list of the reasons you suck very badly:

1. You do not use your turn signals. Ever. Never ever ever. You drift from lane to lane, willy nilly, thinking you’re oh so clever for finding an opening in traffic, never pausing to think that it might not only be courteous but possibly life-saving to let me know you’re about to cut me off. Or you come speeding down the street as I’m trying to make a turn, and then turn up the street – not caring that signaling would have allowed me to make my turn instead of waiting for your dumb-ass to pass.

2. You drive too fast, nearly killing people just so you can make it home 4 seconds earlier so you can get out of your confining work clothes, grab a Coors Light and a bag of Funyons, and forget what a total loser you are and what a complete failure your entire life is by watching 7 straight hours of UPN until you masturbate listlessly and fall into a restless drunken sleep filled with dreams of how you should probably just kill yourself but it would take too much effort.

3. You can’t park. Your crimes in this area are almost too numerous to go into. But your ineptitude as a human being leads you to: park in two spaces at once, or use handicap spaces, or try to cram your car into a space that really can’t accommodate the SUV you bought to make your bitch-ass feel like you’re important because you are higher than me and you end up trapping me in or bumping my car and damaging my front grill because your bumper is a foot higher than mine, or you block my driveway, or in parking lots you spend 5 minutes getting ready to pull out while I sit blocking traffic waiting for your nicotine-addicted ass to light up your UltraSlim 120 before you finally back out.

4. You play your music too loud. Somehow you think that I want to listen to Fat Boy Slim or DMX or Ricky Martin. There’s nothing worse than pulling up next to a Light Blue Geo Metro at a stoplight, listening to an interesting report on NPR, and hearing, "MY HANDS ARE SMALL I KNOW, BUT THEY’RE NOT YOURS, THEY ARE MY OWN!!!". Um, bitch… turn down the Jewel, please, you’re not at Lillith Fair.

5. You are indecisive. Meandering is cool. Setting off on a course, not knowing where the wind will blow you or the day will take you is fine. But walk. Or take the bus. Or hop a flatbed to Boise if you want to get all Zen on me, but when you get in your car, have the decency to know where you are going and why. And if you don’t, pull over, (signaling first, of course), and then make up your fucking mind you confused bastard. I don’t want to find out I was late to an audition because Chuck could have sworn there was a Ross Dress For Less somewhere around here.

6. You need a smog check. This kills me. This makes me really re-evaluate whether or not I want to be part of the human race anymore. The environment is quite possibly ruined by our dumb-asses already, and you’re driving around in your yellow ’62 Thunderbird because you think you "look cool"??? A) You don’t cuz you’re ugly and you suck, and B) then at least find an AAMCO cuz your muffler fell off back at the Taco Bell and you’re fouling my air, Sport-o. What incenses me even more is the fact that the nastiest, foulest vehicles blowing massive clouds of black sooty carbon monoxide are city owned busses. Why does no one do anything about this? Why? Hmmm…. I’m waiting…

7. You run over animals. You drive too fast and run over cute little kittens and bunnies and squirrels. That is not nice.

In closing, I just want to say that you do many other bad things but I’m not going to waste any more time on you. You’re mean and nasty and no fun at all. You should die.

I hate you,

Stee, the only good driver in the world.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Tonight is stray night. Waiting for Shannon to pick me up - see a howling stray dog. Then M. pages me about a lost puppy she saw on the way home from work, but couldn't get to, then I got home and saw 2 stray dogs run past me, then found one of my neighbors 2 tiny kittens (he never spays his cats and they just hang outside the complex) and brought it into the apartment and let it sleep under my shirt for the last hour. Finally took it back outside to find its Mommy. Makes me sad...