left column love you long time.


We make resolutions… and then we break them, as surely politicians break promises. High hopes, we have. High hopes for new beginnings. High hopes for our own self-control. For our own desire to weigh less, to produce more, to love better, to be kinder, to quit smoking, or to spurn the television for a good book. And for myself, I too wish the same things. But rather than making arbitrary goals I won’t, nay can’t keep, I turn to the people in my life, my family, my friends, artists, and yes even other journalers for qualities, habits, and tendencies to which I can more realistically aspire…

From friend Shannon I resolve to adopt an unwillingness to pander to those I do not like and a near total cynicism while remaining charming and charismatic as hell.

From my sister I resolve to cultivate the ability to make rude and/or incompetent customer service people quake in their boots and fix my cable not "sometime between 8am and 10pm", but within the hour.

From friend Jeff I resolve to chart incredibly specifically the ultimate goal for my life, and to pursue the exact steps to get me to that end (but without help of rich and connected parents).

From Pamie I resolve to make even the most mundane details of my existence fascinating and hysterical.

From M. I resolve to keep my artistic standards high, to be closer to my family, and to feel free to call the Taco Bell drive-thru person a "minimum wage borderline retarded fuck face idiot" when they mess up my order, without any guilt.

From Beth I resolve to create a home environment in which I actually want to spend time, and to have a cute (if not totally wimpy) dog.

From friend Todd I resolve to be in every other commercial on television making loads of money, and still have the courage to bitch about my lot in life and to want more.

From Diane I resolve to be well read and to eat out more often.

From friend Barth I resolve to rarely leave the house and somehow still manage to have a kick-ass social life.

From Michael Anthony of Van Halen, I resolve to have long-lasting power and fame without having any discernible talent.

From friend Robb I resolve to have the emotional power to silently make an entire poker table miserable when my straight is beaten by a full house.

From Rob I resolve to have the imagination to make up irresistible little words and nicknames for every person, object, and event in my life.

From friend Derek I resolve to confound all with my ability to skate through any bad situation with grace and good humor (but without the always being stoned part).

From Sara I resolve to amaze others with my poise and class (and to hold my tongue when some scoundrel uses their salad fork on their coq au vin).

And from Kevin Kline I resolve to somehow manage to have a happy home life while still having sex with half the female cast and crew of every play or movie I do.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Larry resolves to bed Carol Channing before it's too late.

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