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why you shouldn't have sex: an aspiring porn star speaks

("My problem with journals, both online and off, is that they don’t work. I define ‘works’ as anything that helps a writer improve his craft, become more productive, or add to his success in the trade." -James Valvis, "In Response To A Question". Nothing, By God. Jan. 14, 2000.)

Hi. My name is G. Rod Cox. As the star of last year’s Ass Whores Part 6 (I’m currently up for a role in Part 7 – cross your fingers…), I have been asked one question repeatedly: "Where’s the rent you speed freak?" No, not that question, silly. This one: "What have you got against non-porn stars having sex?"

Answer: Nothing, dude.


Look, I’m realistic about fucking. I like porn that kicks ass and hate porn that doesn’t. Simple, man. But what bothers me about most of you people fucking out there is this: you just aren’t very good at it. And what’s worse: you’re not trying to get any better!!!

Many reasons y’all might give for fucking are like this. First, I like fucking. It feels good. Second, I fuck to practice until I’m ready to move on to bigger "fucking" things. Third, I fuck to get closer to my mate. And finally, I fuck to have babies.

Dude! What stupid-ass reasons to fuck. Total waste of time.

Lemme break it down.

1) I fuck because it feels good.

Puhleeze. Who cares? You want to feel good, have a massage. Or a really good run. Here’s a tip, you want to feel better than you ever have in your life? Do about 7 lines of speed and then climb the hills above Van Nuys with T. T. Boy. Then on the top, sing "Papa Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl at the top of your lungs. Now, that’s a rush.

If you’re fucking because it feels good, you’re never going to get any better. I know you, you’re bumping and grinding, letting your body be controlled by the lure of sensation. Wrong!!! Dude, there’s no style. There’s no interesting positions. There’s no access for the cameraman! What the hell kinda crap is that? You’re just pumping away like a horny little ass-monkey, sweating and making faces. Yuck! You fuck like this, you’re gonna keep fucking like this for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?

The person who says he fucks because it feels good is the dude who sticks his elbow in a jar of Mayo to become a better basketball player. (Dude, you know what I mean. My analogies are tight.)

2) I fuck until I’m ready to actually take the leap and audition for my first porn.

Stupid ass. You’re never going to do it. You’ll just keep fucking away badly. Check it out.

Example A: The Case of Billy One-Ball

Billy One-Ball has one ball and could easily do porn due to his large penis, and, well, one ball. He’s about to go down to Vivid Video’s offices to audition when he meets Jill. They begin fucking. Six months later he’s still fucking Jill, every day saying to himself, "I’ll go down to Vivid tomorrow". Until one day he’s lost all desire to be in porn, telling everyone, "Jill and I have a very satisfying sex life, but it’s private." The horror.

Example C: The Case of Sally Slut-Slut

Sally Slut-Slut never got any love when she was a child. As an adult, then, she seeks love from every guy she meets. She fucks a lot of men, all over the San Fernando Valley. She begins to get a real reputation, especially among patrons of such bars as Ireland 52’s, The Starlight Room, and The Chimney Sweep. Word on the street: if you want some good fucking, Sally Slut-Slut’s your gal. After coming, a few of the guys even suggest she should get into porn, and that they could easily hook her up. She likes the idea but soon has another cock in her mouth and doesn’t really have the time to think about it further.

Sally grows old and moves to Phoenix.

Example N: Freddy Nice-Boy

Freddy Nice-Boy fucks all through college, and is very good at it. He gets a role in a gay porno called "Sgt. Assmaster’s Booty Camp", and he’s a natural, everyone says so. Eventually he’d like to get into straight porn because people don’t really respect gay porn that much even though he’s really good at it, so he starts fucking some women. Soon, though, he realizes he’s been doing all this fucking and not getting paid for it. (What the hell’s the point of that!) So he concentrates 100% on fucking only for money, and pretty soon he’s a big star.

3) I fuck to get closer to my mate.

Look, you. If you think you’re not wasting your time fucking your wife, when you could be getting paid to mess on some formerly abused fake blonde with 40DDD’s, you’ve got another thing coming!

Follow this logic:

1) I love porn.

2) Since I love porn, that means you love porn.

3) Porn pays you for fucking.

4) Therefore, fucking your mate is a waste of time.

See! Did you follow? If you’re just putting in time fucking - you’re fucking away your time.

Besides, your wife or husband will appreciate the other things about you, like cooking, or hugs, or fending off would-be attackers on the street. There are so many ways to get close. Try Yahtzee, dude. Or plug in the Playstation and kill zombies together!!!

4) I fuck to have babies.

Nice try. First of all, what makes you think God intended for you to have children? God invented the face-shot for a purpose. Are you denying the gift of anal sex that the Lord gave to you? Having babies is a sure way to be poor, drive everyone crazy in airplanes with the screaming, and deplete our precious natural resources. You keep having babies, all of a sudden, you realize the kids are useless. You wake up and you’re 40 and you know what:

You haven’t even been in a porn yet!!!

Then what is your life worth, huh? Ask yourself that, "Mommy."


Believe it or not, there are a whole bunch of even more selfish and stupid and just plain pathetic reasons to do some non-porn-related fucking.

Briefly, some of these lame reasons are:

L) I fuck to get in shape.

Dumb. You could be getting in shape, AND getting paid.

13) I fuck because I am part of an ongoing experiment on the effects of certain birth control devices on the female reproductive system.


Q) I fuck because the porn industry refuses to acknowledge my fucking abilities.

Dude, I totally hear you. Those motherfuckers… Oops. I mean… You’re stupid. I can’t believe you would say something like that. Why don’t you go hone your craft before you try to do porn. You need to study the masters, (my friend T.T. Boy, Peter North, Marilyn Chambers, Madison) and then practice on a pillow or a piece of fruit before you can run with the big boys.

So afraid of a little hard work, you people...

745) I fuck because I have Tourette’s syndrome and sex is one of the only things to give me a break from my tics.

Lame lame lame. You people need to do better. You’re just fooling yourselves.

EE) I’m in prison. I fuck to gain power over my fellow prisoners and to gain status within the prison community.

Well, dude, there are many ways to gain control in a hostile, male-centric environment like a prison or the staff offices of Details Magazine other than ass-fucking. Leave that to the professionals. Next time you encounter Timmy from Cell Block F in the showers, don’t grease up your cock and bend him over the towel rack – try challenging him to a game of checkers!!!

1234) I have no interest whatsoever in doing porn. I fuck because it’s fun, and natural, and life-affirming.

I hear this a lot and I totally smirk when I hear it… then I get nauseous and have to go lie down… but then I smirk again. See me smirking... (Smirking is fun because you get to look cool and make others feel bad at the same time.) Someone says they fuck because it’s fun, they’re a lazy no good liar. They’re just saying it because they’re scared of the criticism they’ll face when they actually have to go down and audition at Vivid. It’s so much easier to pretend you don’t care about doing porn and being a movie star and getting all the accolades that come along with that.

And the most frustrating thing about these people is this: they don’t care about your rules. They don’t care about actually knowing the difference between DP and Running a Train. They couldn’t care less if they’re leaving enough room for the camera to get in good and close. They don’t even care if anyone ever sees them fucking. They just want to fuck and enjoy it in the privacy of their own homes. They are so full of shit. They make me crazy.

But OK, let’s say you are the one person in a billion who actually honestly does not want to do porn, and just likes fucking for the sake of fucking. Well, why not try to get into porn anyway? Why spend your life being penetrated by one man, when you could be penetrated by 5 at once! Look, if you’re going to be taking it up the ass anyway, you might as well get paid for it. And when that day comes, boy, I tell ya, you’ll get serious real quick – and pretty soon you’ll be sounding like just as much of a grouch as ol’ G. Rod here!

Z) I fuck to piss off G. Rod

Yeah right! It doesn’t matter to me. I’m not your daddy (…unless you want me to be.) I’m just saying. Look, go ahead and do your private, no-purpose fucking if you want to.

And I’m sure there are those of you out there, crying, ready to kick ol’ G. Rod’s ass, huh? The truth hurts, buddy, and it’s about time someone stopped coddling you and told you the real deal. Fucking is not going to get you anywhere. Fucking is not some wonderful way to express yourself and your feelings for someone else. Fucking is not a need. Fucking is just skin rubbing together.

If you think it’s more than that, well you’re wrong. My proof? Didn’t I just prove my point? Basically, here’s the thesis again for those of you who just won’t listen. Ready? Here:

You are wrong because I say you are because I know a lot more than you so the feelings of personal satisfaction you get from the fucking you’ve been doing are false so therefore you’re dumb and should feel bad and should most likely stop fucking all together, forever.


Listen people. You are soiling the sacred alter of fucking by doing it for all the wrong reasons. I have devoted my life, locked up in a room practicing the moves, watching the tapes, learning the positions. I’ve fellated celery, licked mangos until my tongue was blue. I’ve worked-out 4 hours a day to get the right physique. I shave my ass! I did it all because I am dedicated to the CRAFT of fucking. Did you hear me? The craft! And I did not go through the personal hell that has been my last 14 years just so a bunch of amateurs can go around fucking and actually having a good time, and maybe connecting with a few people, and maybe even finding true happiness. Don’t you people understand!!!


PS: In case any of you see me doing some personal fucking of my own… it’s not what it looks like. It’s totally different. Totally. How? Um… Er… You wouldn’t understand. Just trust me. It is.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Larry sleepy.

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