snoop's resolutions

Last night pamie and I went to do her laundry on the worst night of the year. It was about 40 degrees and pouring rain with thunder and lightning directly overhead and one of us, I'm not going to say who, is deathly afraid of lightning, but the clothes had needed to be done and I could tell that it just wasn't going to happen unless I said she could do it at my Laundromat. Anyway, we managed to have fun, even when we thought someone had stolen her towels but they were just pressed flat into the sides of the machine from the powerful spin cycle, and when we got their just in time to notice a woman starting to walk away with some of pamie's clothes in her bag. I guess she thought they were her son's girlfriend's -- at least that seemed to be the situation -- and pamie joked that the woman must have been glad when they weren't the girlfriend's clothes and instead that other girl who dresses like a skank.

Anyway, after dinner while folding clothes, we started talked about this Snoop Dogg song we burned. At the beginning of this song, Snoop goes, all high and loopy, in his high-ass voice, "Happy New Year! Bow-Wow! Wa-Wow!" So that part is funny enough. But then later in the song he goes:

"My New Year's resolutions: pimpin', mackin', rappin', and prostitution."

Okay, that some funny shit. But then we started going off on his other resolutions besides those he listed.

(These are best read in his stoned, loopy voice--)

"Resolution Five: Dry clean only means dry clean only."

"Don't take everything so personal."

"Learn that I don't have to be in a relationship to determine my self-worth!"

"Don't let Dre's words hurt. He could stand to lose twenty pounds his damn self."

"Tax day is April 15th. Don't wait until the last minute."

"When eating with a salad fork: tines down, yo."

"Why not send a cake to Suge Knight in prison? It would make him happy. Besides, sometimes it's more important to be kind than to be right."

"I before E, except after C."

"Learn all the state capitals. It's about damn time!"

"There is no 'I' in RAP."

Feel free to make your own. It's goddamn funny when you do it with the voice too.


…Just in keeping with the Snoop Dogg theme, I have been asked to be my sister's friend's dog's Godfather, as they're going on a trip to a rather dangerous part of the world. A Godfather! Or would that make me a Dogfather? It's a good question.

The Robert Downey Jr. Happy Song Corner


He's got his work and she comes easy. They each come around when the other is gone. Me, I think I got stuck somewhere in between. I wouldn't confide in the Prodigal Son. The die has been cast, the battle is won. The bullets were blanks, a double aught gun. I couldn't admit to a minute of fun. They come and they come and they come and they come. I accepted with a gentle tongue. No words spoken, no need to speak. Take it, stomp twice, ring the bell. Tether that ring and phrase. Enough with the rifle and talk already. We all know what it means. Take this conversation to your great divide. I can only swallow what I ate. And I don't hate him. And I don't hate her. They come and they come and they come and they come. I accepted with a gentle tongue. No heart broken, no need to speak. Don't talk to me about being alone. Don't talk to me about being alone. Don't talk to me about being alone. Reach for each other before you leave. Reach peace with a E-A-C. Don't threaten me with a gentle tease. Don't threaten me with angry. Please, please, please. Don't try to tell me what I am… speaking of which. When I was in second grade I accepted a candy heart on my tongue for Valentine's day from the teacher; I did my math homework and got it 100 percent right! I was smart. And the minute I tasted that heart -- the only heart she gave me -- I knew I had to have more. And then more. And more. But she kept them locked up in her desk. Tight. So I ignored them and thought about other things and concentrated on my schoolwork, but I could not get those little hearts out of my head. So that night I broke into the school with Jimmy Shonley and got into the classroom. But the desk was locked. I never did get over those hearts, either. The thought of them sometimes wakes me up at night with the sweats and the shakes.
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