who dat? contest.
(yo stee. i know
PHONE THREAT CHECKLIST.
Apparently, if you ever pick up the phone to someone making a bomb threat, my company expects you to grab this checklist and begin taking notes and asking questions. It's pretty fucking weird.
Here's how a conversation between me and a phone terrorist would go if I followed my company's policy and went through the checklist while on the phone.
Stee: (wondering why someone is calling since he never has to answer the phone) Uh... hello?
Terrorist: There's a bomb in your building.
Stee: Hold please... (I reach for the checklist, find a pen) Thanks. OK...let's see. Hi, how's it going sir?
Terrorist: What are you doing?
Stee: Trying to be "calm and courteous".
Terrorist: There is a bomb in your building.
Stee: Is that so?
Terrorist: Hello? (pause)
Stee: I'm not supposed to interrupt.
Terrorist: Well, I'm done.
Stee: OK... Oh, wait. It says to listen and to keep you talking... Well, that's sort of contradictory.
Terrorist: Blow your shit up.
Stee: Please continue.
Terrorist: I'm gonna blow your shit up and you're all gonna die.
Stee: Could you repeat that.
Terrorist: I already did.
Stee: "Ask caller to repeat." Sir, I'm just trying to follow directions.
Terrorist: I don't follow.
Stee: Fine. Uh... let's see. OK. When is the bomb due to explode?
Terrorist: Why would I tell you that?
Stee: Good question.
Terrorist: That's stupid.
Stee: It does seem a bit stupid. OK then... ah. Where is the bomb located?
Terrorist: In your building.
Stee: It would really help me with this paperwork if you could be more specific.
Terrorist: Up your fucking ass.
Stee: Please repeat.
Stee: What does it look like?
Terrorist: Bomb-shaped. Ticking.
Stee: Fair enough. And why did you place the bomb?
Terrorist: I was bored.
Stee: Could you repeat-
Terrorist: I have my reasons. Look, I'm not going to waste this on you. What is your title?
Stee: I'm a temp.
Terrorist: You're a temp?
Stee: Well, I've been here for 2 years but technically-
Terrorist: I'm talking to a temp?!
Stee: You called me.
Terrorist: I wanted to talk to the chief there.
Stee: Where are you calling from?
Terrorist: You've got to be kidding me. Your mom's house.
Terrorist: What's so funny?
Stee: Your mom's house... Ha.
Terrorist: Yeah. (giggling)
Stee: Ooh, check this shit: What is your name and address?
Terrorist: What, you don't know where your mama lives? (laughing)
Stee: It wasn't as funny the second time.
Terrorist: You're right.
Stee: Could you just talk for a minute?
Stee: I have to describe your voice.
Terrorist: What are the choices?
Stee: Um... loud, high-pitched, intoxicated, soft, deep, pleasant...
Terrorist: Sounds like you're describing a lover, not a mad bomber.
Stee: I'm giving you an "Excellent" rating on language. Just so you know.
Terrorist: Thanks, man.
Stee: And let's see... Manner.
Terrorist: Manner, um... crazy?
Stee: No. Calm. Laughing. Righteous.
Terrorist: I like righteous.
Stee: And your speech... Hmmmm...
Stee: They're all pretty negative dude. Stutter. Slurred. Disgusted.
Terrorist: Disgust-ED. Or -ING?
Terrorist: Then say that. I'm that.
Stee: So I am at this point. Um... nasal. Broken. Lisp.
Terrorist: It says lisp?
Stee: Sure does.
Terrorist: Weird company you got.
Stee: (At that moment BFT walks by singing "Papa, Can Your Hear Me?") You have no idea.
Stee: Accent. What is that accent? Local or Foreign.
Terrorist: Those are the only choices?
Stee: Yeah, man.
Terrorist: So now they're getting all P.C.?
Stee: I guess so.
Terrorist: Like by saying "lisp", we don't all know what they're going for.
Stee: Some Gay Terrorist Organization.
Terrorist: Bingo. But they don't want to offend everyone by putting "Iranian" "Irish" "Bangladeshi".
Stee: I supposed they'd have to put every country then, so as not to offend anyone flipping through the phone book.
Terrorist: Like how many fucking Swedish terrorists are there?
Stee: I don't know. And the age choices... "Young" "Middle-aged" "Old".
Terrorist: An eldery mad bomber.
Stee: Genuninely can't remember where he planted the bomb.
Terrorist: Ha. See, we're riffing. This is good.
Stee: Oooh, check this out. "Background Noises". One of the choices is, "Quiet". Is that really a background noise, or a lack thereof.
Terrorist: OK, now you're just getting technical.
Stee: "Was voice familiar? If so, who does it sound like?"
Stee: Yes officer. I just recieved a bomb threat from a cross between Gilbert Gotfried and Sela Ward... with a hint of Mario Van Peebles.
Terrorist: Is that what I sound like?
Stee: No, I was just riffing.
Terrorist: Speaking of... Did you hear what the next Jim Varney movie is going to be?
Terrorist: Ernest Goes To The Morgue.
Stee: That's cold. I'm adding "mean" to your "Manner."
Terrorist: Is that even there?
Stee: There's a write-in section.
Terrorist: OK. Well, it's been nice talking to you.
Stee: Yeah, you too. Oh, by the way, when is that bomb gonna go off?
Terrorist: (pause) Oh... dude... actually any time now. Yeah... if they hadn't made you fill out that stupid checklist, you could have been out of there by now.
Hey, hey mama said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove. Ah-ahh child way ya shake that thing, gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting. Hey, hey baby when you walk that way, watch your honey drip, I can't keep away. Oh yeah, oh yeah ah, ah, ah-ah. Oh yeah, oh yeah ah, ah, ah-ah. Oh yeah, oh yeah ah, ah, hah-ah. Oh yeah, oh yeah ah, ah, hah-ah. I gotta roll I can't stand still, got a flamin' heart can't get my fill. With eyes that shine, burnin' red, dreams of you all through my head... speaking of which. Hey hey Charlize Theron, said the way you move... um... who's your agent because you are working constantly.
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