alien ant farm

Yes. I disappeared. It's all prioritizing and strategizing and since I've been away from my job I just haven't had time to be on the computer much and thus, I barely have time to moderate the MBTV boards and 3WA as much as I should and takes a back seat and I'm sorry if you keep checking every day. I know how that feels and I made a promise to entertain you and I haven't been, and I'm sorry. But really, aside from all the previous excuses, I have another, more important, very good reason why I've been so busy and preoccupied.

I have ants. Fucking ants everywhere.

Okay, well, that's not totally true. They're not everywhere. About a month ago I discovered a few ants in my kitchen. Then a few more. Then those little scouts went back somewhere and told the Queen, "Yo, there's a place with barely any food, but the cat is really lazy and just watches us and there is usually at least an empty coffee cup and a spoon with some peanut butter remains on it in the sink. Let's go!" So then I had ants, ants. I sprayed, wiped, fought, and they went away... having discovered my trash. So I got rid of my trash and they discovered Olive's food dish. Then I put traps and shit and they discovered the bathroom. They discovered the shower. So I put more traps down and then they found the trash again and I went crazy on them, pulling one leg off and letting them go, saying, "Go tell the Queen that's what will happen to her if she doesn't leave." And those hobbled ants went off and told the Queen and that was that. They're gone.

Or so I thought.

This morning I woke my lady friend up because for years I'd been saying how Joey Lauren Adams lives across the street from me and she didn't totally believe me, and this morning I woke up and saw a cab waiting for JLA. So as we lay there, her wondering if I really fucking woke her up to see Joey Lauren Adams, she suddenly yelled, "Ow!" and grabbed her eye. An ant had bit her in the eye. She was alright after washing it out but there's a little mark. I didn't even know they could bite, but apparently they can. Who knew? We watched JLA get into her cab, by the way, flashing the cabbie a movie star smile, which instantly made him forget his anger over being made to wait outside for 15 minutes. Oh, so anyway, I just got back from having lunch and I was in the bathroom and saw a few ants on the floor near the door. I inspected, and discovered there was an ant trail across my bedroom floor, on my box spring, and around into the wall where my bed hits the wall. So I just went Hamburger Hill on those fuckers, and now I'm sitting in front of the fan which keeps making me think I have ants crawling on me. Please go away, ants. Please. I never hurt you... well, expect, like, two hundred-thousand of you over the years, but other than that... (Funny aside: about a month ago I was dropped off and I saw JLA and a guy get out of a car parked in back of mine in front of my place, and go up and stare at my bumper. I walked by and realized what happened and said, "Aw, man. Did you hit my car?" So they explained that they had and were about to leave a note. The bumper was just a tiny bit fucked up but you never know, so I was going to thank them for being about to leave a note and get their info just in case... and I made a little joke and JLA laughed and turned to me and flashed me the movie star smile... and I just said, "Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it." Man, and I don't even like JLA. It's the smile. I'm telling you. It'll get you every time.)

Anywahy, a friend told me about some ant powder you get at health food stores, but I can't remember the name or where to get it. Any suggestions? It must be okay for a curious, but bitchy cat to be around.

So, there are many things to talk about, but like usual, I don't have much time. Briefly, I'm still not working, but haven't been looking. My romantic comedy went all over town and many prod co's. loved it and took it into their studios, but ultimately did not sell, of yet. However, the next best thing is that I got about 15 meetings out of it, of people who liked it, and ran around town meeting people. Out of those, I have about 4 projects they're trying to get me rewrite jobs on. I'm working on my "takes" and trying hard to get at least one of these jobs. Also, the comedy me and my partner pitched all over town... we finished, got notes, then rewrote and just finished the second draft. So if all goes well, that will go out next week some time. A lot of people heard the pitch and are excited to get the script, so again, we'll see. Hurry. Wait. Hurry. Wait. Really, aside from the ants and the fact that I'm still terribly broke, everything is pretty wonderful. I hope the same for you all. Well, expect for you. I hope you get food poisoning. A mild case.

Even more quickly, last night I went with a bunch of friends to see Jeff Goldblum's jazz band. He plays the piano in this little club and we went and got drinks and watched. He's not the greatest player, and really just looks like he's there to pick up girls, which I wouldn't put past him, but the rest of the band was good and everyone danced and there was just a very happy vibe. My friend is dating the drummer, so it was nice to watch her every time he took a solo. Her face lit up, and I haven't seen her that happy in years.

Um, let's see... I saw Radiohead. They ruled. My Great Aunt is not doing too well. My cat is lazy. My car is okay. My neighbor is annoying, but has not caused too much trouble; but they're selling my building, which will probably mean at the very least, a rent hike. I bought a bunch of clothes downtown in the crazy, freaky, garment district. A friend of mine directed a documentary that just opened in New York to rave reviews from the major publications. My comedy group might be hooking up with a cool management company. I've been running into people I haven't seen in forever lately. I'm losing a couple friends to other cities. Exciting things are happening for some of my best friends, which is great. And... I can't think anymore. Bye!

Oh, go read my Road Rules recaps and sign up for the mailing list. Also, pamie and I did the Teen Choice Awards recap, which should be up any day now. Her sister was in town so she's a special guest recapper along with us. It should be funny.

The Robert Downey Jr. Happy Song Corner


I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll. This time, I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah, kill me again with love. It's gonna be a glorious day. Pull me out of the aircrash. Pull me out of the lake. I'm your superhero. We are standing on the edge. The Head of State has called for me by name. But I don't have time for him. It's gonna be a glorious day. I feel my luck could change. Pull me out of the aircrash. Pull me out of the lake. I'm your superhero. We are standing on the edge... speaking of which. Hey, Ben. Hey, Paula. Hey, Mariah. Hey, A.J. I'm your superhero. Just listen to me: Look, I know things are rough right now, but they're going to get better. You're feeling low, right? You're feeling like things couldn't get much worse, and you're right. But they'll get better, dude. The minute you get out, call me and I'll hook you up. I'm not saying it'll be easy, and you'll have to really want it, but just call me and I'll tell you everything you need to know about your post-rehab life. There are only certain dealers you can go to and be sure they won't tip the Equirer off or anything. I'll help you out. That's what I'm here for. Now if you'll excuse me, Kiefer is on the phone.
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