respect my authoriti!

I’ve been keeping something from you guys.

I don’t really like to talk about it, I guess because I consider myself an actor and a writer and this other thing is really just a sort of side project. But lately it’s become more and more stressful and time consuming. It’s been keeping me up late and filling my dreams with the minutiae it entails.

I’m the mayor of a small city.

My official title is Mayor Sexy Despot Stee. My city is named Bitchland, population 60,000 and growing. Politics is not something I ever really intended to get into. I just sort of fell into it actually, but I find I have a passion for governing.

My sister gave me SimCity 3000 for my birthday.

The whole thing started with a parcel of land and a dream. My land is tucked nicely into a delta between two inlets of an ocean, and boasts fairly level ground. Or so I thought until I started trying to build roads. I decided to give the city an old town feel by placing my major government structures smack dab in the middle of things. I had my construction crews (they work very quickly, but not cheaply) erect a police station, a fire station, a library, a hospital, and a school in a nice leafy, attractive plot of land. Next I had them build a coal power plant a ways away from the square, thoughtfully keeping the bulk of the pollution away from the town center. I next zoned the area around the power station for your industrial interests to find cheap land perfect for factories and paper mills and young Internet companies in search of cheap land. Perhaps even the forward thinking artist or two would find an agreeable roomy loft in which to sculpt large genitals out of copper or a nice gay dance troupe could find cheap rehearsal space. Then I surrounded the city center with good commercial land for businesses to take advantage of the downtown traffic and eventual tourist base who’ve flown in to see the wonders of the Sexy Despot Stee Memorial Aquarium or the Sexy Despot Stee replica of Rockefeller Center. Then, keeping my citizens’ utmost happiness and welfare in mind, I had my crews zone large plots of residential land, far away from the wilder and more polluted industrial part of town, replete with parks and ponds and fountains and an easy and navigable grid of streets. Things were looking great for Bitchland.

Then the people started moving in.

Things went smoothly for the first few years. I had a minor crisis when my water wasn’t reaching the entirety of the city, but I fixed the problem promptly. Soon the traffic became as snarled as LA’s, so I dug into the city coffers and built an extensive subway system, which my citizenry decreed to be the "envy of the land." They wanted buses, I gave them buses. They wanted a museum, I gave them a museum. They asked for a zoo. They got a zoo. A ballpark. A marina. A train system. Lower taxes. Lower parking fines. More trees. A recycling system. An airport. As mayor, I took pride in giving my people what they wanted. Whatever they desired to make their lives more livable and cultured and fulfilling, I gave them. I gave gave gave. The city was ready to erect a statue of Mayor Sexy Despot Stee in the town center, between the Opera House, the Amusement Park, and bus stop #93.

Then my financial advisor advised me the city was broke.

I got the bad news at 2am last night, so if you’ll excuse me, I have some tough decisions to make. Do I take out loans? Do I raise taxes? Do I smoke crack with a hooker in her downtown apartment?

I would head to City Hall but, oops, ran out of money to build one. Guess I’ll have to work out of the zoo.

This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.

Lately I've been having a severe wasp problem...Internet porn is very very boring...if Budweiser is the King of Beers, what's Miller?...whatever happened to Weezer...I love watching Los Angeles sports teams disintegrate...