Jay A. Fernandez Seriously Needs To Get A Fucking Hold Of Himself

In one of the weirdest, most self-congratulatory, and blowjobiest columns ever published, today in the Los Angeles Times, someone called Jay A. Fernandez writes about somehow having gotten a hold of the new Charlie Kaufman script called "Synecdoche, New York." Jay A. is very pleased with himself for having gotten the script and hypes his find to a level of Indiana Jones-worthy booty. He writes:

“But many people, beginning with Kaufman, do not want me to have the script, do not want me to read the script, and without question do not want me to write anything about the script. Words like ‘super-sensitive,’ ‘invasive’ and ‘freaked’ have been cautiously leveled at me as I've reached out to those involved with the project to get their thoughts on it.”

Once done letting us know that Charlie Kaufman knows his phone number (*squee!*), Jay A. goes to 1) vaguely summarize the world of the script and to let us know he looked up the meaning of the title in the dictionary (more than once!), and then 2) to let us know that Kaufman is directing the film himself and that, in Jay A.'s humble opinion, "...with the writer himself directing, it will likely gain even more color and potency in the translation."

Yes, because if there is one thing everyone knows, writers are always the ones best suited to direct their own work. That set up always works out for the best. (Hi, David Mamet and Sam Shepard.)

Finally, having realized his column has no point, through line, or thesis, he gives up and just does the journalistic equivalent of laying the script down on his desk and masturbating all over it. He compares the responsibility of having the script in his hand to Frodo possessing The Ring, and then actually says the following:

“’Synecdoche’ will make “Adaptation” and “Eternal Sunshine” look like instructional industrial films. No one has ever written a screenplay like this. It's questionable whether cinema is even capable of handling the thematic, tonal and narrative weight of a story this ambitious."

Heeeeeeeeeee.

Finally, he pulls up his pants and ends, saying, "...moviegoers will surely be gorging on the power and depth of this film for a long time. Meanwhile, I feel terribly sick to my stomach."

I don't blame you, Jay. Pass the Pepto when you’re done.