And Thus, A Tiny Tear Appeared In The Fabric Of The Universe...

On a Cribs I was just watching, Bow Wow was wearing a "Bow Wow" t-shirt.

Do Good Things

Even though I suspect there is almost no one who reads this page who doesn't read pamie's (our readership Venn diagram probably looks much like this):





...if you haven't, please contribute to her book drive. She's almost reached her extraordinary goal, because of her extraordinarily generous readers.

Preemptive Celebrity Revelations -- TV Edition

Oprah plays a lot in my household and aside from women screaming because they’re getting a new car/trip/face product, Oprah instructing the world how to raise their kids/how to cook healthy food/how to poo correctly, and Oprah promoting her own magazine featuring, each month, a new photo of her, it seems like Oprah is constantly giving celebrities a platform on which to rehab their image or jump-start their careers by revealing a horrible, dark secret. Recently, Brooke Shields was on talking about her bout with postpartum depression. And almost every day, People Magazine or Entertainment Tonight features a C-list celeb discussing the painful private battle that was killing them… behind the laughter.

And those admissions always have the exact opposite effect they’re designed to on me. They just piss me off. Not because they’re so often disingenuous and blatantly timed for some PR gain, but because I feel like I was being lied to the whole time the star carried on pretending everything was fine. And there is such a epidemic of, “That relationship/eating disorder/drug problem was killing me and no one knew,” that it causes me to be suspicious of everyone. Anytime I listen to some stupid junket interview, I’m wondering how coked-up the person is or if they’re hiding bruises behind those killer sunglasses. And often it’s someone you’ve never thought twice about -- and surely not someone you’d think would roll their family over in an SUV or hang themselves in a sleazy Vegas motel room after partying the night away with Andy Dick.

So in order to not feel duped again, to take back some control, I’m going to make some preemptive revelations about celebrities. Today we’ll do TV actors. Feel free to
send me your own. I’m sure I missed some.

(*These are made without any rumors or prior information. These are just silly wild guesses. But I bet you I’m right on at least one or two...)


POSSIBLE FUTURE SCANDLOUS CELEBRITY REVELATIONS! (TV edition)



James Pickens Jr. (Grey’s Anatomy -- ABC): Anorexia. A recent development. Cast-mate Sandra Oh’s separation from director Alexander Payne drove her into a workout frenzy. Part of her obsession led her to constantly flaunt her abs and criticize her cast-mates eating habits at the craft services table. Pickens’ competitive nature made him the perfect target for the disease.





Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men -- CBS): Addicted to sex phone line, mostly Asian. Racked up over twenty thousand dollars in one month from his dressing room on the Disney lot.





Ron Lea (Doc -- PAX): Can’t function without being on at least three tabs of LSD at all times.





Vincent D’Onofrio (Law & Order: Criminal Intent -- NBC): Borderline personality disorder. Chronic condition. Lead him into intense/scary email relationship with fellow sufferer Michael Moriarty, which continues to this day. Not a good scene.





Simon Rex (What I Like About You -- WB): Hates black people.





Sean Gunn (Gilmore Girls -- WB): Gambling. Lost over a million dollars betting on his hometown favorite St. Louis Cardinals to win the 2004 World Series. Lost last hundred dollars to Liz Torres in Crazy 8's on set.





Britney Spears (Britney & Kevin: Chaotic -- UPN): Cheetos and Red Bull addiction. Also suffers from multiple STD’s; ringworm.





Rachel Bilson (The O.C. -- Fox): Pathological liar.





Daniel Dae Kim (Lost -- ABC): Animal horder. Keeps 91 cats, 14 ferrets, and a howler monkey in his Woodland Hills home.





Jillian Armenante (Judging Amy -- CBS): Sex addiction.





Kurtwood Smith (That ‘70’s Show -- Fox): Videogame addict. The Masterson boys got him into Halo 2 and he just can’t stop. Has developed epilepsy because of the gaming. Also, in trance-like state induced by hours of the first-person shooter, has allowed his younger “religious” castmates to sign him up for a slew of pricey courses at the Celebrity Centre.





Judd Hirsch (NUMB3RS -- CBS): Crack.





Michael Bain. Anthony Bain. (Yes, Dear -- CBS???): Shit themselves daily.





Poppy Montgomery (Without A Trace -- CBS): Brother is named Jethro Tull. That’s embarrassing enough.





Steve Harvey (Steve Harvey’s Big Time Challenge -- WB): Kleptomania. All his career he pretended to come from humble beginnings. Internalized it and, like, O.J., began to believe his lie. Steals mostly candy and gum.





Andrea Anders (Joey -- NBC): Enjoys peeing on people during sex.





Paulo Costanzo (Joey -- NBC): Enjoys being peed on.





Michael Welch (Joan of Arcada -- CBS): Has been in an abusive relationship for two years. Make-up and costume people on show constantly have to hide bruises with flannel shirts and base.





Jill Hennessy (Crossing Jordan -- NBC): Her show sucks.

Like Pink Floyd and The Wizard of Oz, Only For The Not Necessarily On Acid

So my comedy group FILM PIGS decided to create something incredibly esoteric that will certainly only be enjoyed and/or appreciated by a tiny handful of people... pretty much like everything we've ever done. We've created Alternate DVD Commentary tracks for movies. Right now we only have 3 of them up -- (oh wait, only 2. The third, The Day After Tomorrow, isn't up yet). You should listen to them while watching the movie. They're funny. And hey, not every comedy group can say they were at one time optioned by Sylvester Stallone for one dollar. (True!)

See the Press Release-like email below...


The FILM PIGS are semi-proud to present: ALTERNATE DVD COMMENTARY. Download a commentary from our web site, rent the DVD, and play them together for an authentic moviegoing experience right in your own home! (Authentic, assuming you go to the movies and are amazed at what pieces of crap they are.)

www.filmpigs.com

For those of you in the know, we are offering these commentaries as a Podcast or newsfeed. You can find the link at the bottom of our homepage. Since this technology is designed to automatically update you when there's new hilarious content, we won't be sending an annoying email every time we post a new commentary. You will just have to content yourself with the unending offers for miracle weight loss, 100% natural member enhancement, and pleas for help transferring riches from Africa.

For those of you who have no idea what were talking about but want to be informed by email when we do post new stuff, we will maintain a seperate list just for you. Reply to this email and let us know you want to be on that list. Also, forward us any email you get regarding 100% natural member enhancement. Thank you.

FILM PIGS

It Had To Be Made

Here's an email from the director of the movie I made a couple years ago. It's me and John Hawkes from Deadwood (he plays Sol Star), and Homer Simpson and Karen Black and others. Please go rent it and vote on it. Extra bonus feature: me in my underwear! Here's the email:


Hello all!

Hope this finds you well. I'm dropping a line to let you know the latest about our feature film, "Buttleman".

For those who don't know, "Buttleman" is a comedy about a small town tuxedo salesman who thinks he's the next Evel Knievel. It stars John Hawkes (HBO's "Deadwood", "Me and You and Everyone We Know") as Harold Buttleman, with Anita Barone, Stephen Falk, Stephanie Jane Markham, Karen Black ("Easy Rider", "Five Easy Pieces") and Dan Castellaneta (Homer on "The Simpsons"). Website: www.buttleman.net

"Buttleman" will be available to rent on DVD for the next month through the Had to Be Made Film Festival. The festival has participating video stores across the country, and audiences rent the movies and then vote for them online. Below is a list of the stores renting our movie, so check out if there's a store near you!

For all of you who've seen the movie, PLEASE take a moment and vote online. It's easy. To VOTE on the film, go to http://www.hadtobemadefilmfest.com/index-2004.html

Click on the "Vote" tab and register - it takes about two minutes. This will also enter you to win a professional audio system from M&K Sound.

Then click "Vote Now!" and follow the directions.

Thanks a lot. As always, feel free to email me as well, I'd love to hear your reactions to the movie. Enjoy!

Francis Stokes
Writer, Director "Buttleman"


HAD TO BE MADE FESTIVAL LOCATIONS

Latest Additions

Specialty Video Chicago, IL
Quick-Flix Cambridge, MA
Video Village Rockwall, TX
Video Station Alameda, CA

ARIZONA

Casa Video 2905 E. Speedway Tucson, AZ 85716
520.326.6314

Movies on Central 4700 North Central Avenue #121 Phoenix, AZ 85012
602.274.0994

CALIFORNIA

49'er Video 6633 Ventana Dr Rancho Murieta, CA 95683
530-759-8260

Penny Lane 620 S Raymond Avenue #4 Pasadena, CA 91105

Vidiots 302 Pico Boulevard Santa Monica, CA 90405
310.392.8508

Movie Merchants 201 W. Napa Street Sonoma, CA 95476
707.996.7355

Box Office Video 6960 McKinley Street Sebastopol, CA 95472
707-823-9798

American Video Center 14442 Union Avenue San Jose, CA 95124
408.558.9545

Video Depot 41865 Boardwalk #109 Palm Desert, CA 92211
760-346-2946

Carmel Valley Video 308 Mid Valley Ctr Carmel, CA 93923
831-624-2270

Video Station 1929 Broadway Alameda, CA 94501

CONNECTICUT

Media Wave 1596 Post Road Fairfield, CT 06824
203.255.8643

Video Cinema Ridgefield, CT

WASHINGTON DC

Potomac Video 5536A Connecticut Ave NW Washington, DC 20015
202-362-5018

FLORIDA

New Concept Video 1671 Meridian Avenue Miami Beach, FL 33139
305.674.1111

GEORGIA Cinema Shack 707-A E. Lake Drive Decatur, GA 30030
404.377.5575

HAWAII

Pauwela Video 375 W. Kuiaha Road Suite 35 Haiku, HI 96708
808.281.2452

IDAHO Video West 560 Washington Ave. N. Ketchum, ID 83340
208-726-3217

MASSECHUSETS

Video Revolution 97 Thoreau Street Concord, MA 01742
508.624.7234

PM Productions 485 High Street Dedham, MA 02026
781.326.6399

Quick-Flix 8 Bow St. Cambridge, MA 02138
(617)864-FLIX

MARYLAND

Potomac Video 7300 Baltimore Ave #A College Park, MD 20740
301-699-3377

MICHIGAN

Video To Go 300 N Clippert St #18 Lansing, MI 48912
(517) 351-2255

Movie Store, Ltd. 15300 Kercheval Grosse Pointe Park, MI 48230
(313) 822-1355

NORTH CAROLINA

Visart Video 300 E. Main Street Carrboro, NC 27510
919.932.1945

Visart Video 3405 Hillsborough Road Durham, NC 27705

Visart Video 1945 E. 7th Street Charlotte, NC 28204

NEW JERSEY

Sussex Video Total Entertainment 205 Rt. 23 Sussex, NJ 07461
973.875.1944

NEW YORK

Kim's Video 6 St. Mark Place (between 2nd & 3rd) New York, NY 10003
212.505.0311

Big Picture DVD Superstore 9220 Liverpool Road Liverpool, NY 13088

TLA Video 52 W. 8th Street New York, NY 10011
212.228.8282

OHIO

Granville Video 478 S. Main Street Granville, OH 43023
740.587.4635

Campus Video 16 S. Main Street Oberlin, OH 48912
(440) 775-7422

B-Ware Video 13367 Madison Avenue Lakewood, OH 44107
(216)521-2210

OREGON Trilogy Video 2484 NW Thurman Street Portland, OR 97210
503.229.1884

DJ's Video 1670 Ashland Street Ashland, OR 97520
541.488.1901

LaBeck's Video Chest 2310 N. Lombard Street Portland, OR 97217
503.289.8408

Movie Madness 4320 S.E. Belmont Street Portland, OR 97215
503.234.4363

PENNSYLVANIA

Rick's Video 1300 Broad Street Greensburg, PA 15601
724.838.9040

TLA Video 736 Lancaster Avenue Bryn Mawr, PA 19106
610.520.1222

West Coast Video 4614 Liberty Avenue Pittsburgh, PA 15224
412.682.3900

TLA Video 517 S. 4th Street Philadelphia, PA 19147
215.922.3838

TLA Video 1520 Locust Street Philadelphia, PA 19102
215.735.7887

TLA Video 7630 Germantown Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19118
215.248.4448

TLA Video 1808 Spring Garden Street Philadelphia, PA 19130
215.751.1171

TEXAS

Cactus Music and Video 2930 South Sheperd Drive Houston, TX 77098
713.526.9272

I Luv Video 4803 Airport Boulevard Austin, TX 78751
512.450.1966

Take-1 Video 2811 Thornton Lane Temple, TX 76502
254.742.1340

Take-1 Video 2144 North Main Street Belton, TX 76513

Video Depot 403 S. Bosque Street 9 Whitney, TX 76692
254.694.4234

Waterloo Records and Video Video Annex 1016 W. 6th Street Austin, TX 78703
512.474.2500

Video Village 1107 Ridge Rd. Rockwall, TX 75087
(972)771-2222

VERMONT

Beyond Video 1141 Willoughby Square Charlottesville, VA 22902
434.296.4211

Potomac Video 7505 Leesburg Pike Falls Church, VA 22043
703-893-0745

WASHINGTON

Island Movies 382 Madison Avenue N Bainbridge Island, WA 98110
206.780.5663

Scarecrow Video 5030 Roosevelt Way Seattle, WA 98015
206.524.8554

Video Tonite 218 W 1st St Aberdeen, WA 98520
360-533-5368

Silverscreen Videos 1050A Hildebrand Lane Bainbridge Island, WA 98110
206.842.0261

WISCONSIN

Four Star Video Heaven 315 N. Henry Street Madison, WI 53703
608.255.1994