Melissa Gilbert's Resume

While waiting in a SONY screening room to see the wretchedly-trite and pedestrian Mona Lisa Smile this weekend, Pamie and I were bagging on Melissa Gilbert, the awful President of my awful union, SAG—in light of Pamie’s recent experience watching Melissa Gilbert do what it is very hard to do: totally ruin moderating a panel. (The only person I’ve ever seen do this is Harry Knowles, for point of reference.) We were trying to figure out why a person would want to be the President of SAG. It seems like an endless headache of negotiations and failed mergers and unhappy constituents, for not much pay or power.

I’m sure those who want the gig are probably partially motivated by a deep desire to improve the working conditions of actors. But if you look at the list of past Presidents (Patty Duke, Ed Asner, Richard Masur, Ronald Reagan, William Daniels [KITT!]), you get the feeling that perhaps there is a bit of upping-ones-visibility that goes into the decision to run for President—an assessment that seems to hold water in light of Pamie’s experience.

And while waiting to see the movie, a movie that I’m sure starred at least one future SAG Presidential hopeful (Julia Stiles, I’m looking at your affected-ass), we tried to recreate Melissa Gilbert’s resume of television movies:

I Eat Too Much (NBC)
I Invent Something (Lifetime)
I Beat City Hall (USA)
I Married Santa (ABC Family)
F For The Day! (Fox – Teacher held hostage by student)
Someone Stole My Kid! (CBS)
Soccer Mom Crackhead (Lifetime)
See Jane What? (Lifetime – Woman who can’t read)
My Father. Mein Furher. (CBS)
I Forget Me (ABC Family)
I Drink At Work (Fox)
PTA Meth Lab (FX)
Slice! (TNT – Mom who cuts herself)
See Jane Nur (USA – Dyslexic Mom)
I Just Remembered A Whole Bunch Of Stuff From My Childhood (Oxygen)
70 Cents To The Dollar (The History Channel)
My Mother The Quarterback (ESPN)
Victor’s Secret (FX – Crossdressing husband)
Space Shuttle Maid (ABC Family – Cape Canaveral Maid chooses the wrong moment to clean the space shuttle bathroom. Mistakenly sent to space. Saves mission.)
If This Uterus Could Talk (Showtime Family)
President Mom?! (Oxygen)
The Rosalyn Carter Story (ABC)
Vampire In The Basement (Sci-Fi)
The Bus Don’t Stop Here (UPN – White school bus driver teaches inner-city kids life lessons, stops the local crack dealer)
Suburban Jihad (CBS)
Freaky Thursday (ABC Family)
Woman Of Shame – The Mary Magdalene Story (CBS)
The New Little House on the Prairie (CBS)
I Lost My Baby In The Mall (Fox)
Dino-Babysitter (Sci-Fi)